|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blah,blah,blah babbiling ** She was ugly yet beautiful, She was thin** I didnt sleep again last night.I stayed up talking on the phone and after I got off the phone I just kindof laid there,doing nothing.My thoughts drifted back and forth,from everything to nothing.I got somewhat fustrated and got out of bed only to find myslef going through things.I found this scrap of paper,and on this paper I had written,my name and address,I had written that I smoked pot every once in a while,that I was a big drinker,that I took valiums,that I dont eat very good,that I love caffine,and after I sat there for a while looking at this paper,I went back to bed,only to remember when I wrote it and why.I wrote it for a reason,I wrote it so who ever would find me would know certain things...I wrote it when I thought something was going to happen to me.I wrote it in case I passed out,and someone tried to help me,I wrote it in case I gave up one day and just let myself go,I wrote it so people would know that I knew something was going to happen,and after I thought about all these things,I got back up,and put that scrap of paper in my wallet...just in case. ** As the sun rises,we dance** I got the feeling the other night that Josh dosent really know me to good.He had said something about dancing with guys,and I told him that I didnt do that shit,he didnt belive me,or at lease I didnt think he did.I dont understand why people dont understand that I can go out and dance or whatever and not care if someone is wanting to dance with me,that I deny people what they want,but not myself.I dont go out to dance to dance with guys,I go out dancing to dance,to dance by myself,to just be in my own damn world.I dont think that people understand me,and I dont understand why they dont.I dont understand why people need other people,why they need them to have "fun" why they need them to get through the day.I am sure its nice to have people in your life,but do you REALLY haveto? **Im not coming back** I am okay with being by myself,I am okay with just being with Tyler,and I am okay being with another person,and yes,its great to have someone in your life,but if you cant have it,is it going to ruin your life?I thought about how things were with Kyle last night,how he had the good job,the good job that paid well,how he had a nice place,how he had his shit together,how he somewhat changed when we started being together more,how I needed him in my life,how I relied on him more and more,and how he relied on me more and more,and it was nice,it was nice to have that feeling,but if I never have that feeling again...wouldnt it be okay?Couldnt I be okay?I was fine before I met him,so why cant I go back to being fine?Because even though I say I dont NEED someone,I do,I need someone to share things with,I need someone to tell me what I dont want to hear,I need someone to be there for me,I need someone to get mad at me,I need someone to help me get my shit together. **Listen and think what I say** I think Josh has never thought about how he helps me.I dont think that he thinks back to driving me to Kyles grandparents house,I dont think he thinks about how he saw me cry,or how HE was the one that took the most time out to stay by me during the funeral,I dont think he looks back and realizes what he has done to me and how much it makes me think about getting my shit together.And the more I think about it,he is coming back for me,he is putting stress on himself to be with me,to help me,and I think that by helping me,he is helping himself as well.He gives me something to look forward to,and I give him that back. **A life where I cant watch the sunset** Even though all these things with Josh have been happining,I still dont belive that there was a reason for Kyles death.Everybody tells me that there is and I find myself trying to find them,and I only come up with one,and even that isnt a reason.I didnt stop popping pills until a month ago,I stopped right after he went away,but started again.And even now I find myself wishing I had some sort of supply just so I can escape,so I can go away,so I can make everything go away.And its not his death that is stopping me,its Josh.Before Josh,I wished nothing more to pop some pills,and go off to neverland,maybe finding Kyle there.And then Josh came along,and I realized that I could still have my neverland,I could still have that with Kyle,I just couldnt be with Kyle,I couldnt be in neverland with Kyle,I found myself saying that I know that I will see him again,that I will be able to share neverland with him,just not now,it isnt time for me. **Ive been tossed and turned** Its not about letting go,I dont think I could ever do that,I dont think that I have it in me,I think its about re-living.I died when he died,there were days,days that I wouldnt get out of bed,days that I couldnt shower,days that I just knew I was dead,but the more I realized things,I realized that he still lives in me,he still lives with everyone,he never died,he went to neverland,a place where you never go away,a place that you never want to leave,a place where you make it into what you want it to be. **Wear anything but black** I often wonder how big a persons heart actually is,not in size,but in feeling.Can a heart actually just give up because it has taken so much pain?And if it can...how much is to much?I have been through alot in my life.I dont say that for people to feel bad for me,I say it because it is what I belive.I went through a fucked up childhood,horriable teenage years,and half of my adult life that I have lived has been awful,yet I still am going on,I am still beliving that I deserve things,I still have my heart left.I listen to all these people tell me about their problems and I get so mad because I say what is known to me,I dont say things because I dont know them,I only say them because I have lived it,I do know what it feels like,but I also know that I am still here,that life can go on..and people just dont seem to belive me.And I want to scream half the time"DAMN IT,LOOK AT ME,LOOK AT ALL I HAVE BEEN THROUGH""YOUR LIFE IS ONLY WHAT YOU MAKE IT"And this is why I am not the same person I once was.I dont feel bad for anyone who is getting their ass kicked,or for someone who is constantley fighting with their other half.Someone who is unhappy,I have been through this shit,and unless if you change and live your life differently then you can stop telling me how bad your life is.I dont want to know people like that,and it seems like that is the only people I know.That is why I really only enjoy answering my phone when I know its Josh,then I dont haveto to tell anyone what I know.I dont know,Im babbling today.Thats all this is...babbling 12:46 p.m. - 2004-03-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||