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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- through my eyes I cleaned my kitchen tonight....the whole kitchen,I even re-arranged it.It took me almost 4 hours..isnt that awful?
**Closing time** I get in my cleaning moods,where all I want to do is clean,and I haveto clean good,I haveto "detail"clean...and it drives me nuts when I get in these moods I threw away alot of things which I am quite proud of.Seems as though I hang onto almost everything.I save things that really have no meaning,I save them because I think that I will need these things one day and when that day comes at lease I will have it...whatever"it" may be. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I noticed just how small my house is,and how much I hated it.I hate it because it is so small,I hate it because there is no room to put anything.There is no room to move anything,there is just no room,so I throw things away,things that I may need one day,things that I may want..... maybe I am a pack rat,but I dont really think so,I just think that this place that I call home,my home is just not big enough anymore,its just not my home anymore. ** I aint got no future** Tonight I thought about what it would be like if I kept Kyles apartment,what I would be doing,how it would look and I got angry with myself for not taking it.Even though I knew that I wouldnt be able to afford it,even though I knew that the bills would be hard to pay,what would I be doing if I was there..and where would I be right now?Its funny how I felt at home in his apartment,how I could move around in his house,how I felt living there.I never felt that way at my "house",I never felt alive,I never felt as though it was a home,and I hate feeling as if I missed a good chance...a chance to have what I wanted,to keep what I had.And I know that I wouldnt have been able to afford everything.But maybe if I did move into his home...in our home,maybe I wouldve learned how to afford it,maybe I wouldve changed things around in my life by keeping our home.Maybe I wouldve been at a different job,a job that I made enough money to afford our home,to keep our home.Instead I was scared.Scared to do it all on my own,scared to be in the "real"world. **Money is heaven** Amanda needs me to go out tomorrow.I really would love to,but I doubt if I will.I want to be home for Joshs call and I want to be able to focus at work on Saturday.I told Josh that I would be home and I feel as though I have let him down quite a bit,not telling him what I am feeling and such,so since I told him that I would be home,I need to be home.I need and want to be home just to get his call,just to make more money at work the next day not hungover.I havent been out all week and I am so proud of myself.Tonight is the first night I have drank,and I have had only like 5 beers.For me,thats a great number.I just dont feel the need to go out.I need my money.I am going on vacation this year and nothing can or will stop me,so I give some things up here and there.And the only things I have is my drinking really.I spend so much at the bar,I think nothing of spending a hundred bucks at the bar for a night.I think of it as having fun...until I wake up the next morning and realize how much I spent and I just cant do it anymore.I cant drink my money away,I cant drink myself away anymore,I have better things to waste myself on,better things to do with my money.I have Josh,someone who has made me think like this 1:25 a.m. - 2004-03-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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