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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- no sanity in me **Someday I will escape** I went through my dresser today,really just my jeans.I realized that I had some jeans from from about 4 years ago,I still kept them,just to have them because they useto be my favorite.They were my "harley"jeans,the ones I paid 50 bucks for and thought I was cool to have.The ones that I thought were cool to wear with my harley shirts and my big ole boots,the ones that fit the Lynyrd Skynyrd music,the ones that fit my little beater car.The ones that fit all the beer cans in my yard,the ones that fit the loud music coming from my house.The ones that just "fit"me back in those days. **Trying to keep myself away from me** I found 2 pairs that were a size 14 and found it hard to belive I useto HAVETO wear those.I found it hard to belive that I useto be the type of person who had to wear those.I found it hard to belive that I still had them,that I wanted to remember that person.That person who useto "fit"into those type of pants.I looked at them and their size and wondered why I held onto that "type of person I once was for so long.That person I REALLY hated.I took those pants down to my mom and asked if their was anyone she knew that was a size 14,my dad asked me whn I was ever a size 14,I told him when I was more then 160 pounds. **I'll stay at home with my disease** I felt like drinking tonight,being Tuesday and the fact that I didnt get my "morning'kindof pisses me off.I know that I haveto work as much as I can,but I have plans on Tuesday mornings..I do things,I get shit done...and it dosent involve work.Nothing on Tuesday mornings involve anything but my own time.My time to do whatever I want,my time to write Josh his letter.My time to let my thoughts flow to him.And I didnt get that today,and it sucked.I have no need to write him that letter now because it is not tuesday morning.I feel guilty writing him an email,like he will think that put him down a notch,but it really wouldnt be,I just want my damn morning to myself.I just want to be able to sit and do nothing but write and I can never do it at home, home is where I type,home is where I always type because I just cant get comfortable writing in my space.My little space that I call home. **The girl in the car in the parking lot says"man why dont you just try to take a shot"?** I have been feeling as though everyone is out to piss me off lately.As though they could care less that I have feelings or that I have helped them with their issues,or that they just dont want to deal with me.Like I am this hard person to deal with.And I really am not,I dont say much unless someone says something to me.This morning I sat there quietly with Mike,I sat there for almost 3 hours saying not jmuch...just watching my videos,I am not an annoying person at all,and it really pisses me off that I get this feeling as though I piss everyone off.I feel like I have no one,no one to call or talk to.I feel as though the world just wont let me be a part of it.Then again,maybe I dont want to be a part of it. 8:13 p.m. - 2004-02-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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