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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Happy Fucking Valentines Day I played darts on Wedensday night and I guess I am alot better then I think I am.I had alot of fun,we got done before bar closing,Amanda went home and I stayed with Mike and Cindy,and after bar closing we opened up the resturant and sat in the dark and drank,where my boss hit on me,where he tried to get me to go home with him,and sleep with him,quite nasty if you ask me,I dont really think nothing of it,at lease I dont think I do,I kindof feel weird being around him now,but I really shouldnt,I mean he was all fucked up,and he knows my semse of humor,so I think he thought it was okay to joke around,I dont know,makes me feel funny I guess...kindof...yuck. **Rose Petaled Barcardi** I bought myself a bottle of Barcardi for this wonderful Valentines Day.I went food shopping and thought to myself,I should buy myself something, something"fun",something that would make me smile,so I bought the biggest bottle they had.And at first I only took one 2 liter of coke,but went back a second time for another one,thought I could use it or something.I thought about buying some flowers,some nice bright red roses,with a couple really deep colored ones,and one wonderful white one,right in the middle of them all.And I thought about how those beautiful flowers would look right on my end table,with the sun shining on them,in that beautiful water filled bottle of barcardi.I never bought the flowers,I kindof thought that I didnt "deserve"them,I didnt "deserve"to see something that beautiful.All I deserved was a night with some barcardi..nothing beautiful about that. ** The Only Thing Thats Real** I wanted to work today,I wanted to work very bad,so bad that I tried to find a babysitter.I so wanted to see people smile.I so wanted to give out my stupid heart shaped candies,just to bring some joy to myself.I wanted to leave work today with a big wad of money,I wanted to feel good today.I didnt want to sleep late today,I didnt want to not get out of bed,I wanted to go into work,I wanted something to do,I wanted to just be"alive"today.I wanted to feel as though there was something other then feeling"blah",something other then wanting an empty bottle of barcardi tomorrow morning. **Take Me Away** Ty and I stayed up til 3 playing Monopoly,just having fun.I realized how he dosent pay attention to what he owns,and what a great landlord he would be.He was getting quite pissed off.We played the damn game for 4 hours,and he still got up at 8.I kept asking him last night to please sleep,please sllep in cuz I was being nice,I was being nice because I was staying up with him until 3,and most kids dont get to do that....but I knew he wouldnt sleep in.I still didnt get out of bed til 11 though.I tried,just couldnt.When I finally did get out of bed,I re-arranged my videos,went through his books,showered,went to work,and at the spur of the moment,we went and saw a movie.I love being with him.He never gets to do anything with Dan.Dan and Mary never take him anywhere,they never do anything with him or the other kids...not even food shopping.Its like, even when I had him all the time,I did stuff with him,I played games,made crafts..I did stuff with him,I didnt "act"as though the other one would do it all.Then again,Dan never did any of it,but at lease Mary did,she wouldve had to,she wouldve had to take her kids somewhere.Tyler always tells me about the first time he met Mary,and how they all went on a picnic,he also tells me that that was the last time they ever did anything"fun". **Drink It For A Change** I might drink alot,and be stupid.But I take care of my kid..I dont ignore him.I do things with him,I talk to him...about everything.Last night ,while we were playing the game,he told me that Xena has a "vagina neck"I laughed and asked him where he heard that from...his reply was"austin Powers",yeah thats what i get I guess...I asked him if he knew what a vagina was,he didnt,so I told him,we laughed,I told him not to say that word again,and that he should have family life now..he asked me what that was and I told him,we laughed more,and finished the game.I mean,damn it,my kid hasto be a whole different person when he goes to Dans.He cant be himself.He hasto hide up in a room with a 5 year old watching disney movies.He hasto be upstairs"babysitting"a 4 and 5 year old...all because no one in that house wants to take the time out to "be"with the kids...they just kindof get rid of them.They send them upstairs so they dont haveto deal with them.They dont haveto deal with the kids being kids.It makes me so mad that neither of them know their kids.I have done nothing but what I could do for Tyler.I made my mistakes..I know this,but I was there,I know my child.I dont ignore him.I dont push him aside.I want to do things with him,I want to be the best mom I can,and I know that there were times when I wasent,but I at lease know this.I miss being with my kid all the time.I have so much fun with him. **Act Real Tough** I found out how much I really did enjoy dancing the other night.I came home and found myself on the computer,listening to some music,and I just had to get up and dance,I even made somewhat of a "show"for Josh.I danced to this song and so acted as the the wood around my doorway was Josh,I fucking danced to someone who wasent here.I so pretended that this wood,this doorway was him.And I thought about how I so wanted that wood,that fucking doorway to be him,and I just danced.I danced like it didnt matter,I danced with"him"like he was was that doorway,that piece of wood.I made this real seductive dance,this dance that I wanted to do to him,this dance that would make him drool for me,that would make him do anything for me.I danced to this wood,to this doorway thinking it was him,and if he was here,I would do that to him,I would make him want more of it.I could rock his fucking world.I love to dance,I only go out to go dancing a couple times a month.I get all fucked up and just dance,I dont even care how I am dancing.Its the point that I am dancing,I am in my own world,Im just fucking living.Im just fucking loving it.And I want Josh to be a part of that.I want him to realize how I get when I hear music,and I just dont care. **What I want is you** I want him to know how I am when I am by myself,I want him to understand.I want him to know me.I want him to realaxe, how I can express myself through music and words.Just how I can show him how I can feel maybe?I just so wanted him to be that fucking wood.I so wanted to share that with him.I dont want to go out and haveto dance with someone that I dont care about,that I cant express myself with them,that there is no feeling there.I just want Josh there,with me,even if I haveto beg him to go on the dance floor,and even if the begging dosent work,I want him with me.I want him to be the one that wants me.I dont want anyone else.I want him.I want him to be the one that gets to go home with me,the one that gets to wake up to me.I want him to be the"ONE" I want him to be that person.That person I can just do whatever with,that person I can be myself with. I want him to be that person I do things with,that person that will forever want me in his life.I want to be that person in his life,that he just cant get enough of. **To See If Its Real** I got this bump about a year ago,its on my inner thigh kindof by my crotch,and now it has come back.Its been a while since I had it and now its come to visit again,and I get scared thinking about it,thinking its cancer or some sort of life threatning thing.But I dont want to know what it is either.I did tell myself that if it is not gone in a week,then I will figure out what it is.Im not to worried,I think it is a ingrown hair or something.I just cant rememebr if that is how I got it last year or not,by plucking a ingrown hair.I dont want to know bad things,why would I want to know that I had cancer or something?I dont want to know if I am going to die,or if I have somthing wrong with me.I just want to die peacefully.I just want to not wake up,just peacefully.Let me worry,let me think I have some sort of killer thing,just dont let me know that I have it.Just let me die peacefully,without knowing that I have some limited time,that I can just go on with my life not knowing that any day could be my last. 6:08 p.m. - 2004-02-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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