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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Endless thoughts of night **Im going crazy** I have been laying in bed for 3 hours trying to sleep,trying to get into that peaceful feeling of sleep,and its not happining.My mind is working,and I hate it.I hate it when I lay in the dark by myself and have all these thoughts going through my head.And I cant stop them,I try to shut them out,I toss and I turn,I cover my head with pillows,with the blankets,I do everything I possiably can to shut my thoughts away,and it just makes me think more.I thought about how Josh wanted to talk to me about things that bothered him,about his dreams and such,and I thought about how easy it would be for me to open up to him a bit more if he could just open up a little more as well.I want him to be able to share things with me,and I want to share things with him,without having him worry about me.I want to know how he feels,how he thinks,what he thinks of"us",what"we"may lead to,what he wants it to lead to.I want to share his thoughts,I want to know them,I dont want him to think that he has no one,I dont want him to feel alone. ** I did something wrong** I thought about the times Kyle shoved shit up his nose and how I refused,how he tried so hard to tell me it was okay,how it was okay because it was New Years,I thought about how upset he got with himself when he did it without me knowing until he told me,and I thought about 4 months ago when I was in a car,when I was in some damn car with a total stranger shoving shit up my nose.And I did it because I could,because no one was willing to stop me,no one cared.No one"wanted"me to do it,it was an offer and I thought to hell with it.I hadnt touched it for years,and there I was shoving shit up my nose,and I remember how I once told Kyle that it was his life,that I wasent going to tell him what to do with it,but how I somewhat looked at him with disgust because he "needed"it. Because I didnt want him to"need"it.And now that Josh has shared something with me,I dont want to make that mistake.That same mistake I made with Kyle.I want him to know that I care if he does it,and that it is not only just his life but mine as well,and I cant have that in my life,and I know its a struggle,I know it is hard,but there is someone that cares and someone that is willing to help. ** Somethings you just cant change** And I thought about my own issues,and how I should just let it all out to him,and if i did that maybe we could help each other,and grow together from it,how I would be able to have that with him,how I wasnt able to have all of that with Kyle because he just couldnt stop,and when I tried to tell Kyle things about me,he told me half the time just to stop it.Instead of talking to me about things,he took things away from me,he took my pills and replaced it with his own pills,instead of telling me things,he just replaced it with things to cover my issues up,and I guess I did the same with his,and I dont want it to be that way with Josh,I dont want to ignore the things that may bother him,I want him to tell me those things,I want to be there for him,but its hard to do that when the person just wont let you in as much as you need to be let in. **Run as fast as I can** I have this undying need to tell Josh things about me,I have an incrediable urge just to spill things,but more then I want to tell him my thoughts and such,I want to be let into his mind,I want him to spill things,I want to know how I can be there for him,how I can make things better for him.How I can make things better for us maybe?I want to know these things about the person I have feelings for,about this person I miss,about this person that makes me want to live,about this person that I want to be with.Instead of being 2 separate people,I want us to be one,I want that with him,but I also know that before that can happen,we both haveto be more open with each other.And sometimes it is real easy for me to tell him things,other times,its hard to even think about telling him. **All that glitters isnt gold** How do I tell a person that may care about me that I have nothing to offer them?That it dosent matter what they have,its about what I have,and I have nothing?That all I really could be is a typical housewife?That I really have no goals and the few that I do have,I never work on anyways?How can I tell someone that somedays I just hate to look in the mirror,that I hate what I see?That I need to be better but know that what I am is excatley that?How can I put my problems on someone else?How could I ever explain to him that I am a happy person,just not all the time?How could I ever explain that I could never hurt a fucking insect,but I sure could hurt myself?And I am not talking about killing myself,although sure the thought runs through my head every now and then,but I would and could never do it.How do I tell someone these things without them judging me?Without them worring about me and putting their problems aside? **Take me to the place I love** And it was so easy when he was here,when I was with him,it was so easy not to think the way I have been lately,and it was just so damn easy to talk to him,it was so damn easy to sleep,it was so damn easy not to sleep,everything was so much easier,he was here,I had him beside me,and I loved it.And it scares me to know that he might be gone for the summer,it scares me because I need him here with me,and even though I will wait for him,it is a struggle to wait.It is a struggle to want something you just cant have.I didnt need pills to sleep when he was here,I didnt even need to write,all I needed was him,and that shocked me becuase I never really needed someone that much,to the point where I didnt need to write.Where I didnt need to hold everything in,where I could just say or do whatever.I dont know what is going on in my head anymore these days.I constantley find myself wanting to work all the time and sleeping when I dont work,I find myself being so money hungry,not wanting to go out and do anything,I am finding myself just wanting to be left alone by people,I find myself just wanting him,just wanting to be with Josh and if I cant be with him,then I would perfer just to sleep,sleep until I can be with him.I find myself wearing only my work clothes and pajamas,I just find myself waiting for him,not wanting to do anything with myself until I see him and have a reason to get dressed,to get out of the pajamas and take some time off from work.Maybe I am getting to much sleep,maybe not enough,I just couldnt lay in bed anymore tonight having my mind go nuts and so here I end up,typing whatever thoughts go through my head,and most likely they dont make sense to anyone but me,most likely its all to hard for someone to understand,but its all out now and maybe I can go to sleep now,maybe I can feel the peacefulness my shut eyes give me. 1:02 a.m. - 2004-02-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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