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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wont say goodbye anymore
**LIBRA**
The reality of the difficulties you'ved faced recently probaly hasent sunk in yet,but once you understand excatley whats been going on,you'll be inspired to make changes and improve situations that havent full- filled their potential. Although things wont totally be in your control and life might change dramtically,you have the power to decide whether you remain stuck in the past or move into the the future.Be brave and take a step in a new direction. ****It opens doors**** So I took my mind off things today by actually doing things, yea,I slept half the day,but around 3 I went to ticketmaster,which I was really soppuse to do this morning,and then off to work where I cleaned the bar,I had no customers so I cleaned and cleaned.And when I was done with work I went to Piggly Wiggly to get some things,things to make chocolate covered bananas,since Ty had to have some,and I couldnt find any boxes of them so I made them.I made 40 of them.What the hell am I going to do with 40 of them?And so I took my mind off eating today by doing things,by keeping busy,although I made sure I ate at lease something,something besides a chocolate covered banana,and so after all this,after I actually did something today besides sleep,I sat down to read my horoscope,and now it has left me thinking"WHAT THE FUCK" **It Never Ends** Everytime I drive somewhere,I notice all the little houses for sale,the houses that arent real big,but arent real small either,the "cute"houses,the houses people"dream"of buying,and all my weird dreams lately have been really meaning alot to me.Making me think alot about the future,and what I should be doing to make stuff better for me,and it all matters to me,but I do nothing about it,nothing,I dont really try to get anything I want,I just "want",and its quite weird how my fortune said all that bullshit.And I never really belive in those,its in a fucking gossip magazine you know?But this one,this time,it kindof makes sense.It kindof is true,I just needed to see it all down,I just needed to "listen"to something.I know what I want...excatley. **When the last one falls** I want a "cute"house,I want to share that"cute"house with someone,I want to have children in that"cute"house.I want my dogs to have a place to go and play around in,I want a place that I can go and enjoy.I want to enjoy it with someone,I want to settle down,and I can sort of see myself with Josh for all of that.I can see myself,watching him outside shoveling snow,with his cute little hat,I can see myself watching him through the window when its summer out,drinking some beers with friends.I can just see "us" being happy,and working for each other,and making sure we both have what each other wants.I can see ourselves making our lives better for each other,I can see all of this,and I can see it with ....Josh. **It comes out all wrong** The way I see all of this,Im going to work my ass off until I get my house,and when that day comes,I will see if Josh is still beside me,I wont tell him I want all of this right now,with him,I will wait to get my house,I will wait to tell him this so I can share that house with him.If I told him any of this now,I think that he would kindof think its a re-bound thing,he knows that this is the first "real"relationship I have been in since Kyle,he knew I loved him,he knew it would take some time.I think neither him nor I thought that it could happen this soon.I know I couldnt,I thought that "this"would never happen again.But it has,it really has,and yes,its weird,fucked up that its with him,but after all the people that I have "hung"out with,after all the "dates'or whatever you may call them that I have been on,this is the only time I have felt like this,this has been the only"magical"feeling I have had.I knew how Mark felt about me,I knew he wanted more then just friendship,but there was nothing like that there,Tadd,the same thing,Kevin,same thing,Frank,all those people that I have hung out with,knowing how they felt about me,knowing that they wanted a realtionship with me,I never wanted one with them.And I made that clear to all of them,all but Josh.I get this excited feeling in me when I think of him,the feeling I thought I would never get a chance to have again.And because its Josh...its kindof weird.I didnt haveto "force"him off me,I wanted it,I didnt haveto not want to hold his hand,I didnt not want to cuddle with him,I wanted to do those things with him,I wanted to be with him. **Life is a hi-way** I am afraid to say I love him,I am afraid that it would change things maybe,that he would be a little freaked out.That I may be a little freaked out,that I just want time to pass maybe before I tell him?Its funny how when Mark told me he wanted to be with me,he never spoke of Kyle,but before all of that,he did.Josh,I think,I think he knows how I feel about everything,how yea,I have Kyle in my heart everyday,but so does he,he was the true friend,and Kyle wouldnt be mad,and he wouldnt even be mad at me,because he knows I want it,he knows that my feelings are real,cuz he knows how I am with those feelings.He knows how I am,and he knows when Josh is happy.He knows all of this,and he dosent care,because we were the only"true"people in his life.Amd I feel so okay with my feelings for him,I feel my feelings with him,and I think its great. **Dont live by the rules** **Of its over** Out of the people I couldve had realtionships with,Josh is the one I want to be with and need to be with.He has been the one to open my heart.He is the one,the one that if I cant spend my life with him,then he as well has made a dent in my heart,he will be the last that leaves that dent in my heart,I dont know how big my heart is,but I gave alot to Kyle and and Im giving alot to Josh,I am giving him all I have,and for what i feel,thats all I got.I have no more heart to give,they both took that,and if I haveto be alone,then I will,but if I do,I dont ever want to lose Josh,I dont ever want to just have a memory of him,a picture painted in my mind for life,I want to be able to see him,and still grow old with him,spend a life time with him and his wife,whatever it takes,I just dont want that dent in my heart forever and never see him again,never having that excitied feeling when I see him,never see him growing old,being happy and old.I forever want to be a part of that with him,even if he dosent want that with me.I still want to share it with him.If I cant be with him as a wife,then I still would like to share his life with him,he has me,he really does,and it makes me cry somtimes to think that I may not get what I want with him,it makes me cry knowing that he really does have my heart.
9:02 p.m. - 2004-02-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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