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**Anywhere But Here** All night long I tried to tell myself to stick with it....dont go out.Even if it is wedensday.Go home and do nothing.And I cant belive that I am sticking to it,maybe its because I am already fucked up and have no reason to go out,who knows what it is,but I am still sticking to it. ** Say it aint so** I smoked a joint after work and went to target,I go to target all the time for no reason,tonight I had to go to get Josh something,and I found the most perfect thing,I sat there stoned as hell looking at all these Valentines day things,just laughing to myself.I sat there examining each one,just to see which one would make him smile more.So I get this dancing zebra or whatever,and there were 3 to choose from,the music and all,and I got him the one that I knew he would smile the most at.And I waled around target just looking at things,and then I thought about tissue paper for the dancing zebra,so I went back to the valentines day things,and picked up some tissue paper,and I saw little heart confetties and thought how cute that would be,to put the little heart confetties in with the dancing zebra and the nice tissue paper,and it made me smile to do all this.I bought him a card a while ago,a card is fine ya know?Its simple,valentines days shouldnt be about spening money and shit.Everyday should be Valentines day ya know?And here I am needing to do these things,needing to prove how I feel maybe? **Ill Run Away With You** So because maybe I needed to prove myself,and how I feel,I had to buy a box so I could ship it to him,even though I couldve used just any box,but no,I had to get a "nice"box,and I had to get the dancing zebra and the tissue paper and the confettie,and I had to do these things because I wanted to.It felt so good to want something.It felt so good to want something with him.It felt so"perfect".And it just made me "feel"something.It made me smile to do these things,to take some time out and really concentrate on something.Just to really take my feelings all in.
I really didnt think I could ever feel like this,ever again.I so thought that my future would be nothing worth living for.I so thought that maybe love is just a one time thing,and I thought that if I did ever feel like this,it sure wouldnt be with a friend of Kyles.It would be with someone I met at the bar or just whatever.I have had so many chances to have a realtionship with people,and I just never wanted it with that person,I couldnt see myself settling down with a person like them,and they werent bad,great guys,fun to hang out with and all,but I didnt want anything more then just friendship with them,and I made that known to them. But with Josh it is so different.It is so different. **The broken thoughts I can not repair** He makes me feel wonderful,he makes me want things,he makes me want to live,he makes me want to think of the future.And it makes me think.Why him?Out of all the people I have had chances with,why does he make me feel like this?Why does Kyles friend make me feel so awesome?Why does he make me feel the way Kyle did?He makes me feel so good,and nothing else matters to me.It dosent matter that he dosent make alot of money,or that he dosent own a house,or that he may never have alot of money...none of that materialistic shit. All that matters is how he may feel about me,and how he may be able to love me for who I really am,how he dosent haveto always"try"to understand me.How I feel about him,how I would just "know"how he feels,how I would just"know"that there really is something there. **You Could Have It All** I see myself wanting things with Josh,wanting a family wanting to live with him,wanting to be with him forever maybe?I think of my feelings and why are they like this?Isnt this to soon?Isnt this wrong?But I really think that my feelings are okay,deep down I am so trying to follow my heart,I am so trying to accept that my feelings for Josh are real,I feel them,I know this is for real,but accepting it is hard.It is so hard.My whole life I thought that you fell in love once,just that once and that you could never feel that love again,that first kind of love again,that care free feeling,that feeling of just pure bliss.And I am feeling quite dumb,all because I belived that. **Ill Show You The Magic** I dont know,I am so confused these days,I am so confused about my feelings towards Josh,you know?Why Kyles friend? Why do I want Kyles friend ro be my future?Why do I have have such strong emotions for him?I thijnk about the future with him,like I know he has allergies to dogs,well hey,I got 2 that I would and could never get rid of,no matter what.I love my dogs to pure death,they are my family,and here I am having these feelings for someone that I want a future with,for someone that is allergic to my family.And I cant help it,its like I care but I will only do what I can.I will work my ass off just to find a house that has a nice backyard so the dogs can enjoy being outdoors.So my child can run and play with the"family".So I dont haveto take the "family"away from my kid.Im so willing to do these things for Josh.I so want to do these things with Josh.I so want things with him.I so want to be with him all the time,I so want him to be beside me every night,I so want to hold him and feel him,and watch him sleep,I so want to be with him..forever. ** The Only Thing Thats Real** Im losing weight,which is great.I hate not feeling good about myself.I hate feeling fat and ugly.I hate not wanting to show myself,I hate the depression I get from it all.Dont get me wrong,I love kids,I so want more,I want to have more kids,I want to have the all american family,but they do damage to you.I have strech marks all across my hips and my tits got so much smaller after I had Tyler,and you always have somewhat of a pouch,I dont know,your body just totally changes no matter what you do.And I feel okay when I lose some weight,I feel as though my body goes with me...you know?I feel good about myself,even if I dont have the tits,I somewhat have the curves ya know? ** Its Never Enough** I have been thinking of fake boobs lately,how I could finally afford to get them,how I would feel about myself if I did get them,how they would look alot better then my own natural boobs,how I could feel better showing them and how better I would feel knowing that I feel better about myself,how much Josh deserves to have someone with boobs,how stupid I feel being naked with him cuz I have no boobs and he deserves someone with tits,he deserves someone that is beautiful.But I cant get fake tits,it would go beyond what I belive in.I want someone to love me for me.I want someone to care about me,not what I look like.I want someone to think that I am sexy even if I dont have the tits,I want it to be about me,and not the looks. **I dont want anybody else** And I feel like that with Josh,I find myself thinking of him and how he is with me,how he puts his words of sense into it all,but he knows that I am me.That I will do what I want to do.And I love him for that.He is alot like me,he is just gonna say what he wants and thats it,what you do is your buisness.You live,you learn kindof thing.And I think of how he goes with it all,just like me,just kindof like"whatever"I love it.I love the fact that he knows how I am.I love the fact that he MAKES me want to do things and just fucking live for things. ** Save me right now** I want to tell him all these things.I want to tell him how I feel and such,but I cant.I am scared that he may freak out or think that I am on some re-bound thing.But I know in my heart that these are my feelings,they are not fake, I feel these things I talk about.I feel them strongley,they are my true feelings,and I really dont want to hide them,but I feel like I should,I feel as though he may think that they are fake,that its to soon,that its a rebound deal.And I so know that these feelings are none of those things,they are real,they are so real,and I so want them.I so want him to belive me.And I dont understand what this all means and that is why I am scared of telling him these things.I do feel some sort of "love"with him.I feel so in love with him,but I just can not tell him.Because I need to know that its a "forever"thing,and I am sure that it is,I just want to understand why with Kyles friend? ** It Was Worth All The While** I find myself learning to love again,I find myself not ignoring the feelings.I find myself trying to accept my feelings I find myself doing so many things I thought I would never do again.I find myself loving 2 people at once,but that it is okay to do that.Its called growing up,its called living.Its called you live,you,learn.Kyle will always have a spot in my heart,but jesus,I have so much heart to give...he wouldve been happy for me that I could actually love my life,especially to someone he loved.And I need to love,because I can not deny it.I cant hide it.And I am afraid to tell Josh that I may love him,that I have these awesome feelings for him.That I am learning to love again,that I smile at the sound of his name.That he makes me feel the way I do.That I want to hear his voice all the time.Im afraid of telling him because I dont think he would belive me.But I want to tell him so bad because it is the way I feel about him,and I want him to know,I need for him to know.I need him to know so he dosent think Im "fake" 7:59 p.m. - 2004-02-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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