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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- coldness and warmth The word sleep is just another one of the words in the dictonary.I laid in bed for a long time listening to the angry wind trying to get me.I listened to all the noises my house made every time it blew.I listened to it trying to make its way in my warm room,when I deciced just to get up and stop listening.Listening to the sounds that are around me makes me think.The angry wind made me think of the time I had called Kyle and asked him what he was doing"listening to the rain"he replied.And because I thought of Kyle,it made me think back to the night before he died,and how I shed a couple tears right before he came into bed,and it made me think of when he was already gone and the only person who was truley there for me was Josh.Josh drove me around,Josh listened to me cry,Josh was there.And that made me think of how that was the hardest time in my life.I have been through alot,never thinking that it could get any worse,but yet it did,and I had someone there for me.I had someone there with me,just to be with me,just to give me whatever comfort I may had needed.And its funny how we are together now.How we are together after he helped me through the darkest moment in my entire life.How I let him help me,how I needed him to help me.There were times when I never thought that I would ever be happy again,times when I thought that happiness was not for me,times when I thought that I may never love again,times when I thought I would never live again.Times when I thought that my whole life would revolve around sadness and pain.I dont really think like that anymore.I miss Kyle terriably,I miss him with my whole heart,and there are times when I wish I could just go and be with him,but I wouldnt be living then.I wouldnt be happy then,I wouldnt be able to be the person I was.I want things out of life and I still have a life to do those things.And just because I dont mourn everyday,dosent mean that I dont miss him.I will always miss him,I will always have him in my heart,but I want to go on with my life,and I know he wouldve wanted me to as well.And when my time comes,then I will be able to see him again,and have my questions answered.They say to follow your heart,to do what your heart says,and my heart tells me that I haveto let go.He is not coming back,and I know this.And honestly,I think he wouldve been happy for me,happy that I am having these feelings that I have.Happy that I am not going to waste my life being unhappy anymore.Happy that his best friend makes me happy.And most people tell me to watch out,they tell me that they told me this would happen,and I just tell them that I am doing what my heart tells me. **Joys of motherhood** I slept all day today,not feeling well I just wanted to lay in bed all day.And I wonder why I am not sleeping yet?Ty came home and sat in bed with me,he ended up falling asleep a little to early for someone who dosent have school.After he was asleep for maybe an hour,he woke up only to throw up,all over the bathroom.When I say all over,I really mean that.My bathroom is quite small,so it was quite the clean up,and with me not feeling well,it was not fun.But what can I do?Its not like I have anyone here to help me,and even if I did,I am so useto doing these things that it really dosent bother me.I felt bad for him,he just stood there watching me gag while I tried to clean it up.My poor little guy gets sick so much.He takes after Dan for that.I am hoping that neither of us has the flu or anything real bad,I am hoping its just a 24 hour thing.I cant afford to miss work right now,and with the way work is going,I need that extra 20 bucks.So while I was cleaning the bathroom I thought about how Josh had said how I am half way done raising me kid,and even I agreed with him,but the truth is,once you are a parent...you are always a parent,you are never done raising your kids.Sure they might grow up and have their own families,but you will always tell them what is right,what is wrong,you will always be there for them,they will always be in your life,and I of course dont mind that.Its weird how people think once your 18,parenthood is done,its never really done though,its a life long job,its just to bad that more people dont enjoy it. 12:35 a.m. - 2004-01-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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