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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lucky Mondays I hate it when people tell me"your so lucky"Im so lucky because in their eyes I am not fat?And as they tell me this,they are shoving yet another damn taco in their mouth.Tonight at work people were complaining about how fat they were,and all I said was"yeah right"and thats when it all started.How I am so lucky that I am not fat like them,and how I have energy to do stuff,and how I am just so damn lucky.I wanted to scream at them.I wanted to ask them how they know what I look like underneath the clothes?And how do they consider me lucky?Am I lucky because I hide myself well,and let no one know how much the site of me naked grosses me out?How I sit there and hate the way I look?How I sit there with all my god damn energy and do nothing about it?Yeah,thats what I call lucky,I am so lucky I can feel that way.And then theres "your so lucky you dont have big boobs",oh,am I?Krista had her boobs reduced months ago,on her size,she shouldnt have done it,cuz small boobs on her do not look good at all,it makes her look chunkier then what she is.She always had big boobs,and now that she got them reduced,she has the poorest self body image ever.I have never had big boobs,I will never be"lucky"enough to see what it feels like to feel good about myself.These people at work,think I am so damn lucky...they have no clue. ** This is not enough** I came home tonight with all these "lucky" thoughts,only to find myself in the bathroom,in front of the full length mirror,and I noticed how I looked in disgust at my reflection.I noticed how some sit ups may help,and maybe some leg crunches,and maybe a trip to the plastic surgeon. **Lets get together** *and* **Feel Alright** And maybe after I get my tummy flat,my legs a little bit skinner,and I spend a couple grand on some fake ass boobs,then maybe we could talk about how lucky I am that I handel stress well,and how I am so lucky that I deal with shit the way I do,and how lucky I am that I just dont care about anything,because, you know ,its so lucky not to have any problems.And everybody thinks Im so lucky to be me.They dont understand that I am not so lucky after all.I am not lucky to have the thoughts I do or the problems that they think dont exist.It makes me dislike these people I work with even more.I get tired of hearing about how lucky I am. **Walls are what make my home** These people at work just want to get in my life,they want to have "drama" about me.All they know of me is that I go out by myself often.And because of that,they think I need them as a friend. They dont understand that if I wanted them as a friend,I wouldnt go out by myself alot.I dont want them as friends,all they do is gossip.About everyone.And if they gossip to me,about everyone,then why wouldnt they gossip about me to others? **Make three wishes** I was told by the great freaking genie that I put up walls.That I am afraid to say things to people because I am afraid that I wouldnt feel strong.That I consider myself a strong person,but its all just a show.My replie to him,was that I dont put on a show,I just dont feel the need to talk to many people about my issues,and he asked me why(his favorite question)when I told him it was because I just dont care what they think of me,he asked me why I dont give them a chance to care.
**Im not along for the ride** So on my way to work I thought about my three wishes I could give to the mighty genie,and I could only think of one.If I am just afraid of someone caring about me,then take me off the meds,let me be myself without them.Let me wake up one morning and not haveto freak out because I am not sure if I popped the pills or not.Let me go through one day of not knowing that I am medicated.Let me get through just one day on my own.I wondered as I sat outside of work,what the great genie REALLY thinks of me,what he writes down in that stupid note pad.And what he feels like when he knows I am his next appointment.Maybe he rolls his eyes when he looks at my file,or maybe he shakes his head and maybe he thinks I am a joke.But I guess when I walked into work,and found out just how damn "lucky"I was,I guess I felt a little better. 7:25 p.m. - 2004-01-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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