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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dancing Drunk ** Common Dance and Song** I talked to Josh for like 3 hours on the phone last night,god,I miss him.I dont know what he holds in his life with me,he talks about doing all these things on the boat and stuff and dont get me wrong,I think its great what he is doing,I so envy him,but my selfishness is taking over me.I want him here with me,or I want me to be with him...whatever.I just want to be with him.Its like I know I can sit here and wait,I have no problem doing that,and he is always telling me that he dosent want me missing out on anything,and yeah I guess in a way I am,but in another way I am not.I am missing out on the physical part of him,not just the sex,but just him,just him being here.It sucks cause I dont want to wait,but I do want to.I want to wait for him to get done doing what he wants to do.But I am being selfish by not wanting him to do it anymore.I want him to just come back here and stay...for good.I want him to tell me that he is done,that he is coming back to stay,but I dont want him to do it for me you know?I dont want to be the one that ruins his life,the one that makes him leave his dreams behind,and its hard to explain that to him.Its hard to tell him how I feel because I dont want that to happen,I dont want him to quit anything because of me and maybe it wouldnt happen,maybe it would,I am not sure,but I dont want to take that chance...that chance that may make him end his dreams.He told me last night that I am half way done raising my kid,and I told him that I knew that.He said he wants kids in a couple years..and did I want more?I told him yeah.I didnt tell him that I wanted tons of kids,that I love having them,that I want a big family,that I want my kid to finish growing up having a big family.I once told Kyle how I was afraid to have another kid,that I was afraid of being alone with another one,that I wanted a family,I was just to scared because of all the crap I went through with Dan,and the more we grew on each other,the less scared I was,the more ready I was to have one.I put the past behind me,and I am not afraid anymore...I dont think.I think I am not afraid because of the person you know?Kyle and I talked about him being a father and I told him once that he would make a good one...shit he was better to Tyler then Dan ever was.Dan always told me how he hated kids,so he married a chick with 2 of her own and one of his,and he still hates kids,he is still mean to all of his kids,and I look at that and shake my head,because take Josh for instance,he works with kids...has none of his own,would like some,and he enjoys them,and then you have Dan...who has 4 of them,and he hates it,he dosent enjoy it,it dosent seem fair in a way.I so envy Josh though.I wish I had whatever it is that he has to do what he does.Sometimes I think that I am not good enough for him,and its funny because he says stuff like that to me,but from my view,what the hell do I have to offer him?I have nothing,a low paying job,I am not smart at alot of things,I have my stupid issues with eating and depression and I have my damn issues with telling people my feelings,I mean I really have nothing to give him but some drama maybe.And yet he tells me that I am fantastic.And I would like to know what is so great about me.Because I dont see it. *What you see is what you get* I went out last night,and danced the night away.I love going out and just doing whatever.I wanted to kick some ass though.I danced for most of the night,with Amanda,Angie,Lisa...whoever and you know,I hate it when some guy comes up to you and just THINKS he can dance with you,some guy who THINKS he can get away with trying to get you to rub your ass on them or whatever,so this guy comes by me,and starts trying to dance with me,so I told him to back the fuck off,he says"why,is you man here"I told him would it matter if he wasent here?I told him to get his damn hands off me before I deck him,he told me that I am a "spunky"chick and that he likes that in a girl,I told him...so does my boyfriend...fucking asshole.Why cant I just go out and have a fun time?Why does someone always haveto say something to me?It pisses me off because I dont want to be bothered,I just want to have a good time with my friends,I want to be able to dance without worring about some asshole trying to rub himself on me.I dont understand why guys think that everyone is always looking,why cant someone just go out and have a good time without the guy bullshit?I kept wishing Josh was there last night,and how much fun he wouldve had if he was there.How much fun we couldve had.And that made me miss him even more.I cried over the phone last night,being as drunk as I was,I get over emotional,and I dont think Josh knew that I was crying,but I sure did miss him,and he was talking about so many things that were confusing to me.And I guess I just didnt know what to think,or maybe I was just to damn drunk.He told me the other night that he has my picture taped above him on his bunk,I thought that was fantastic. 4:19 p.m. - 2004-01-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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