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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunrise and sunsets ** Behind These Walls** Talked to Josh last night.His boss asked him if he was staying through the summer.I told him that I would,the truth tho,I wouldnt.I would come home to be with him. How can I tell him that?How can I tell him to throw it all away? How can I be selfish and say,"hey I want you here with me,I dont want you to be there"?How can I screw up his life?I cant,and that is why I told him that I would sty.I dont want him coming back for me,I want him to come back when he wants to,whens hes done,so he dosent haveto leave anymore.I got off the phone with him with a sense of nothing.I felt so broke?So stunned?So sad?I sat there in the dark ,my arms wrapped around Xena thinking of the first time I ever felt affection for him,it was the night before he left to go back to California,when he was here for Kyles funeral,I was sitting on Ginkeys couch,just about passed out,and I remember closing my eyes and thinking how nice it would feel just to lay my head on him,just to maybe pass out on him,just to feel him and touch him.I wanted so bad to lay my head on him.I realized how badly I missed him,how much I wanted him next to me,how I wanted to replace Xena for him.And how maybe if I tell him these things,maybe he wont want to keep working in California,maybe he will want to come back and stay,but now I couldnt do that could I?I couldnt tell him these things just so he gives up what he loves.I couldnt put that on him,and I wont,so I sit and I wait.And I will wait to stop missing him,and I will wait to stop wanting,and I will wait to see him and I will wait for him to be ready.I will wait for him for as long as it takes.What I feel for him is something.I am not sure what it is yet,I am not sure how to explain it,but I love it and its worth missing and its worth waiting for. 7:46 a.m. - 2004-01-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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