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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- friendship ** She might just break** All these people say how "cool" I am,they say how "fun" it would be to hangout with me,but yet,they only want to hang out if they are going to see me drink,and then maybe we could be friends or something,its like if we arent going to drink then forget it......I cant be their friend and thats who I know who my good friends are.And I dont understand why I dont have more.Sometimes I thought it was because thats the way I wanted it.I never had tons of friends,I only ever hung out with like 3 or 4 at the same time when I was younger.Even in middle school,I had tons of people that always wanted to hang out with me but I never did,I just always blew them off so I could hang out with my "real"friends. And I always wanted more friends.I just never gave them a chance,and thats how I still am.But I still want more friends.I mean,shit,I dont even answer my phone anymore.I just gave my number to so many people when I thought I wanted to have them as friends and now I dont,so I dont answer my phone.Take Tadd for instance,I dont want to talk to him anymore.I dont really know why,he is a good person,I just dont want to talk to him.I went out with Krista last night,and I was talking about Kyle and everything,about Josh,and she asked me if I thought if he lived here if my feelings for him would get stronger.I told her that they couldnt get any stronger then they are already.I told her that he is my best friend and that he has helped me so much and he dosent even know what that means to me and that I am scared to get drunk with him,cuz I dont want to tell him what a great friend he has been to me,its weird.Josh calls me maybe once or twice a month,maybe,and he dosent even write me back at all.,No emails no nothing,just those 2 calls a month,but yet,I write him faithfully every week.I actually go out of my way to write him,I take my ass to Barnes and Noble,as soon as they open,and I write.I actually get out of my bed,one day a week,I actually get up and shower as soon as Ty leaves for school,and I actually do something.All for him,that one day a week I I do it all for him.And by me doing that,he has helped me so much.I tell him everything, everything from my view of life and death,to the people sitting around me.He is my diary on Tuesdays.And because of that,I get through another day.He means alot to me even though we were friends through Kyle,and I never got to personal with him.And now I just pour my heart out to him,I give him all my thoughts and feelings.How can my feelings get any stronger?Hes is a wonderful person.And he dosent even realize it.I never told him,I never said anything to him about how much his friendship means to me.And I haveto tell him,because I need him to know,just so our friendship can always be there.I am going to tell him face to face,no letter,and that scares me.I am not good at talking about personal stuff to hardley anyone,Josh is the only person that I have ever let into my"world"and I have always done it through letters,and I am going to get to hang out with him and let him bring me out in a way.I am going to do what I do in his letters,and I have never had a friend that I could do that to.Kyle was the only one who ever knew my thoughts and stuff.And its not like Josh is replacing Kyle,because he cant,no one can,but I think maybe because of how Kyle and him were friends,that I have a part of that.Kindof like because he knew how I am and with him being Kyles friend he was my friend kindof thing.I dont know,I just think I have this awesome friendship with him.And I want that.I need that,and he has given me that.Without even knowing it...and he deserves to know.I cant wait to tell him.I cant wait til he comes and we can hang out,he is my best friend and it really sucks that he is there and not here. 10:32 p.m. - 2003-12-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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