Photobucket I have said to much

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times like these

** I haveto convince myself**

I have been staying home lately,doing nothing but sleeping really.Since that is really all there is to do.Me and Ty hung out with Tadd last night,he needed help burning cds,so I helped him with that.I picked up a shift for saturday for work hoping that it will be busy and I will make some sort of money.I dont know what I am going to do for Christmas money,Im still trying to figure that out...maybe give blood or something,what do you get like 20 bucks for that?At lease its something.I informed everyone about Thanksgiving,

and that I will not be there.I dont think anyone is happy with me....but I dont care.Its funny how you just stop caring about certain things and start caring about the things you never cared about.I knew that the holidays would be hard but I didnt think that I would just not give a shit about them.I have tons of Christmas stuff,and I am only going to put up a tree,and thats it,and that is only for Tyler.I remember last year Kyle got Tyler so many presents,he got him sippy cups because Tyler always spilled.So Kyle was all hung over when Dan dropped Tyler off,he was in bed when Tyler opened them up and it was so funny cuz Tyler was just like"are these for real"and Kyle was talking to him out of his room,talking shit.We made him use them once or twice as a joke too.I hate having memories.I hate the fact that that is all I have.I hate the fact that constantly they are going through my head,and that there is nothing I can do about it.All I can do is sit here and let them go through my head and act like everything is just fine.And I hate acting like it is all okay,I have trouble acting sometimes but yet no one notices so maybe I am a good actor or maybe people just dont care,which is most likely since they are not my friends anyways.So I guess it really dosent matter if they care or not.I dont know if there is anyone who really cares,seems like I go through alot by myself and maybe I make it that way but then again maybe I haveto do it al by myself.I dont know.I dont know much anymore anyways.

9:46 a.m. - 2003-11-23

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