Photobucket I have said to much

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Shit

**Why Cant I?**

Its not even 1 p.m.yet and here I sit drinking,and its not even beer,its the hard shit...I have become a mess.I tried to fill out some school shit and haveto do something with my taxes and do you think that I could understand that?Nope,and can I find my taxes..nope.

So today is looking quite good.I drove around today looking at houses and stuff,and it hit me...I am preobaly never gonna find a place to rent with 2 dogs,I will forever be in this hell I haveto call home,and so I will forever be unhappy.I guess its not that big of a deal,I had one great year,one year of happiness and maybe that is all I deserve.I dont know.Im 27 years old with a life that is going to go nowhere.Its pretty depressing to know this.Its even more depressing to feel it.

**Its just my imagination**

Went to the mall to find a skirt for my halloween custome...I found one,a size 7 which is crap because there is no way I can be a size 7.I wont even weigh myself right now because I know that I have been gaining to much weight.Im going to get through it though.I am determined to lose like 25 pounds in a month or two,I have my plan all set out already.Im tired of feeling the way I do about myself.I think this weekend all I am going to do is sleep.Connie and Trevor are coming on Saturday to pick up 2 things and hopefully then it will be over with.I dont understand why someone would want to do what she does.It seems as though everyone should feel sorry for her,and you know what?I sure dont.I have a great love for my man,I knew him differently then what she did.I am not going to go through the rest of my life beliving he was someone I didnt know.I wanted to put something by him that said "barcardi"only to realize that she wouldve probaly freaked out about it,and then it would be another long thing to settle.But I should be able to?I should be able to do what I want with him and my feelings as well as his feelings.I fucking woke up to him,I fucking had to help bury my love,I should have the right to do what I want in order to help myself,but I cant,because she will always be there...in my face telling me shit.She wants everyone to remember him as this little cute boy with no father in his life...I didnt know him like that,maybe that is when she knew him best but not me.I knew him as Kyle..A.K.A Carl Olsen,I knew him as a man that worked for what he wanted,that liked his father,that enjoyed his party time,I knew him as someone who loved me,I knew his secrets,and the person she wants everyone to think he was....he wasent.And I dont think thats right.I dont belive in putting false memories in peoples heads,I dont belive in something that wasent there.Regardless,

he was an awesome person,and if no one could see that,then they didnt know him,which goes to show that maybe she didnt know him at all,and that is why she is the way she is,especially with me.No one is fucking perfect,and you cant make someone perfect cuz theres always going to be someone that knew certain things,things that wouldve made that person "unperfect"in certain peoples eyes.And you cant hide that,that is what makes someone who they are,and in my eyes,he was the most perfect person I will ever know

12:36 p.m. - 2003-10-28

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