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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a little bit of stuff Havent talked to Mark for a while and I am missing it.Just hanging out with him.I never had alot of friends in my life and when Kyle left it seemed as though everyone wanted to hang out with me and stuff and now ,I have no one.Everyone just kindof goes away,and the ones that dont,are the ones that want more then just friendship.I miss Josh,I really do,He was always the one that when we went out with him,he always let me babble on and on,and when Kyle would be all drunk and talking to whoever...Josh sat and listened to me.I had some good but fucked up conversations with him,and I miss being able to do that with any of Kyles friends.I had it with Mark for a minute there but I think Mark just really wanted one thing...which he didnt get.I dont know..I have been thinking about writing Josh another letter about whatever.Just to do something other then drink.Ah..and the drinking...I must admit I have been doing a great job not doing it.I went out for a little bit on Thursday and didnt even get drunk...it was more like social drinking,for the first time in a long time..,.I drank not to get drunk and it actually felt good to do that.Maybe it is a bad thing,,,,seems like everytime I do that I start to fall into that great thing called depression,and in a way..I want to.I know it sounds dumb and all,but I want to be all alone or with someone who I feel comfortable with crying.Just someone who just wants to be my friend and nothing more.Someone who wont take advantage of me and just someone who can be my friend.A best friend is what I need cuz I really dont have Kriss anymore.Amanda is a good friendve.I miss Josh,I have been missing him for a while now,he was the one that let me cry,that took me everywhere I needed to go,he is what you call a friend,never did anything to get me pissed off or to make me worry...he is someone who I consider a friend....he just isnt here.And thats what sucks.I trust him enough where I can tell him anything in these things I call"safe"emails.I am not sure if he reads my emails or not,so by me writing to him whatever is on my mind...I feel safe cuz I dont know if he reads them or not.I dont know...I have to many broken thoughts that I cant repair without telling someone about them.And I really dont have anyone so I keep them bottled up,I wait until that time comes where I can tell someone,when they can understand me,and truthfully,sometimes I dont think that I can wait to long,because if I do,I will wind up crazy and put away,because thats how bad my mind gets sometimes. 3:44 p.m. - 2003-10-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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