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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doing things? ** I dont want the world to see me cuz I dont think they'd understand*** Went to Tylers openhouse last night,his teacher lives across the street from Kyle.He once was going to send her a letter saying how disgusting she is because she has a black boyfriend,he was going to write how she was trash and such.He started to write it to,he just never finished it.I have been thinking so much lately,and I want to stop being so fucked up.Its been to much,its been to long,its been to fustrating.I am tired of being tired,and I just want to go somewhere in life and I am going no where.Kyle wanted me to do so much and I was going to do it,I was going to do all these things because I could,because I had reasons to,I had a life to look forward to,a good one.And ever since he left,I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to,I dont want to maybe,but I know I haveto.I want to get out of this house and have a good life with Ty,like I was going to do i the first place.I was even thinking about joining A.A,maybe I dont need it,I dont know.I think I just ned different friends that I can hang out with who dont know me as the crazy one,or as the one who just drinks...I dont know.While I was cleaning,I found Kyles Arizonia pictures,they are on disk,and I want to look at them,just cant yet.But then I think,will I ever be able to?Will I ever be able to look at anything that I say I cant yet?I just kindof ignore it all,act like it didnt happen I guess.I dont know,I am just tired of doing what I have been doing which is nothing.I have done nothing but drink and get myself in situations since Kyle has left and I know he is not happy with me,I know he isnt,and I dont want himn to hate me when I see him again.I want him to be proud of me,I want him to love me just as he did when he was here.And even though it might be to late,I want to prove to him that I can do the things I was going to do,its been nothing but shit since he left,and I am ready to change it all,and if that means to drop the few friends I have,to stop going out,and just being alone,I will.I can do it because I have done it,I just lost myself,but Im finding me again,Im finding myself and realizing who I am not,and its scary,but he is worth it to me.He is worth everything. 6:49 a.m. - 2003-10-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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