Photobucket I have said to much

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Where I am now,I can no longer see

** Look at me,Im a tangled Puppet**

I want to wake up from this nightmare I have had for the last 3 months.I want to wake up so bad,and just KNOW that it has all been just a nightmare.I want to be able to take Ty to school and take the same route I did last year.But I cant.If I took the same way,I would haveto go past his street,and I would turn my head to look down his street,to see his Sears van sitting there,to see his car.Just to see if he was still home.Like I useto do when I spent one of those "unlikely"nights at home and not by him.I want to be able to go that same route when its all white out,and theres snow everywhere,just so I can leave a little early,just so I can wipe all that snow off his van for him and surprise him,or just to see that cloud of smoke behind his van....knowing that he did get up in time.In time to warm it up.I want to be able to go that same route just so I have that chance of seeing him leave,so I can wave to him.So he can callme minutes after he waves to me.I want to go that same route so I can wake him up,or surprise him by jumping on his bed,yelling"Its time to get up"I want to go that same route so I can move his car to the"right"side of the street.I want to go that same route so I can make sure he has left for work,just so I know I can go food shopping for him,and clean his house,and buy him fresh flowers,and see that look on his face when he comes home to a nice clean house,with his blinds all open because his house looks so much nicer with the light coming in....directly on the fresh flowers,on his coffee table.I want to go that same route,just so I know I have woken up from this fucking nightmare.Just so I know that I still have my baby.I still have my life.I want to go that same route,just so I can wake up.I just want to wake up.

**Reached for my hand

but it was already there**

I want pills.I need them right now.I want and need some valiums,and some sleeping pills,so I can drift off.So I can drift into a different world.A world where I want to be.A world of good dreams.A world of Kyle.A world I once knew,a world I want back.I need the pills.I need them in order to have my world back.I need them so I can sleep.So I can dream of my baby.And I promise,if I can get them,I promise,I wont be stupid with them.I will use them how I should.I will only take what is needed.And the valiums..I will only take them as needed as well,which will be a little more then the sleeping pills,but its okay...because I will be okay then.I will be okay.I will be okay if I can get some valiums.I just want to be okay.Just for a day.Just to see what it feels like to go one day without a single tear,one day without stressing out,one day without pulling on my hair.Just one day.Just one valium,one day.Thats it.But Im scared,it will take more then one.I know it will.Im not stupid,one wont help.2 might,and then it will go up to 3,and so on and so on,and that is why I have no pills.I have no pills because if I did,I would pop a pill just to calm me,pop one to find me,and another to kill me.And god,I am such a good fake.I am so good at it.No one would even imagine how I am.No one.Im always the fucking little happy camper.I cheer people up,thats "who I am"soppously,and that just goes to show you,that no one really knows me.That no one really cares.And if they did,would I care?No...I wouldnt,no reason to.Why bother?In the end,everyone leaves.

*** I feel what I feel

and I can not grasp

what is not real***

I haveto get back on the medical card.I need those pills.I need them,not just want anymore...I need.And then I just haveto take a deep breath and call my doctor,and hope I dont cry while I am in front of him,like I did for my zoloft.I want to pop pills so I can go away.I cant even be a good mom anymore.What kind of mom wants to just go away?What kind of mom am I?Pop a pill just so I can be someone I am not.Someone who is happy,someone who is calm,someone who is okay.Pop a pill just so I can be a good mom?Pop a pill just so I can go away?And what happens if it dosent work the way I think it will?Then what?Then I take more?Then I move on to different ones?Stronger ones?And slowly kill myself?I remember living a different life once,thats why I need my sleeping pills,so I can have that life back.So I can wake up from my horriable nightmare,and just dream.Get away from all these monsters that are chasing me.Get away from the illusion that people see.Get away from it all.Just so I have a better life.A better life with him,a better life of just dreams,dreams of him.A better life.Just sleep it all away,and dream it all back.

7:40 a.m. - 2003-09-24

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