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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sick and weak **Its tearing me apart**
Why is it that I have these good days and then all of a sudden I have an awful day?I keep thinking of him today.I keep thinking how my life wouldve been by now.How different it would be,if I wouldve been in school by now,if we wouldve moved out to Paddock Lkae like we said we would.If I would have a ring on my finger by now.If we wouldve had a kid on the way by now.All these things...all these things keep popping in and out of my head. Slowly,the eyes moisten up a bit,and I think some more as they fall.They fall everywhere,on my lap,on the dogs,on my couch.They fall everywhere because I haveto let them,and even though I fight them,I cant win,Im not a fighter,I cant win because I am weak.I am weak when it comes to fighting them off because maybe I dont want to anymore,maybe I know now that I haveto let them come.Maybe I need them to come.And I feel sick after I let them fall for a while.I feel like vomiting,I feel like screaming,pulling out my hair,punching a wall...punching myself.Just hating the whole world,and I know Im sick.I know Im sick of this life.This life I was not soppouse to have,but am now stuck with. 6:06 p.m. - 2003-09-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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