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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A sleep,a pill some alcohol and a beautiful creature ***Are you aware of what you make me feel?*** I thought that I wouldnt get fucked up tonight,I was wrong.I want nothing more to drink all night and stay stoned all night.I have realized how much easier it is when you just dont care.I was coming in my door tonight when I noticed the smell of fall coming.I felt like I did before Kyle...all fucked up feeling like I am in trouble coming home like that because I know I do it to much.Like when Rob lived with me.God,it felt weird.Because it just dosent fucking matter to me anymore,nothing does.And it feels great to be all fucked up all the time and just...not care about shit.Im not close to any of Kyles friends anymore,Shane fucked me over,he and I wont ever hang out again,Josh is in California and will never come back,and Mark fucked me over,thats all he did,he fucked me over and now where does a friendship stand in there?NOWHERE.And its all because I let this shit happen.I let it all happen to me.Everyone leaves me,everyone.Every god damn person I want to get close to..leaves.They just dont bother with me anymore.Maybe because I am to forward with them?Maybe because my world is fucked up,to fucked up to tell people what I am really thinking and feeling?Im always left,standing here,with nothing,even when I try hard,I am still alone.What am I good at? Im good at drinking,thats about it. me. **Open your eyes and see things as they are*** It feels good to sleep all day long.It feels good to get up in the afternoon and just do nothing.Just lounge around.And it feels good to just go to bed when the sun is already shining.Fuck it..why not?What else do I do?I do nothing anyways.Thats why I can never make up my mind about shit,cuz I just dont ever know what to do unless there is a bar involved.Or beer in that matter,even weed.Just like I useto do. **Sometimes you need an ending to start a beginning*** I think I will call the doctor and get something.Like some Zoloft again,with some sleeping pills.I want and need the sleeping pills.In a way it is similar to Zoloft,it just makes you forget everything,makes you ignore all the crap and that is what I do now,just with drugs and alcohol,so if I had sleeping pills,I could just get all fucked up,pop one of those and not worry about sobering up,cuz I would be sleeping,and then when I wake up,just pop some speed or some zoloft or both and just be a shiny happy fucking person. ** tomorrow it may change** I held a butterfly in my hand the other night.And it was not only beautiful but magical in a sense.I held it and watched it,felt this urge to cry,looked up to the stars and just let a deep breathe out.I wanted to keep it,put in a jar or even buy a cage for it,and just keep it forever,but I thought after a while,that it wouldnt be right.It wouldnt be right to capture something just because it brought me peace for a minute,it wouldnt be right to hold it hostage just because I thought it was beautiful.It wouldnt be right to keep it from the rest of the world that might get enjoyment by it.But I so wanted it.It was so beautiful sitting on my hand.The design on it,how it just sat there...breathing..the wings slowly going up and down,as it was....breathing.It was alive and it was so fucking beautiful,and I let it go.I let it go because sometimes you haveto lose everything before you find what you really want. 1:51 a.m. - 2003-09-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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