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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How I am....... *** When Im Gone**** I am wondering today what it will be like when I die.Will I see him?Will I be able to hold him?Will he look the same?Will he age at all?Will he want to see me?Will he understand?Will he still love me?I know it sounds bad but I am excitied about dying and seeing him.I have always been afraid of death,when I was younger,I would stay up all night long because I was afraid I was going to die,and now I am waiting for it.I am waiting for it because I want to see him,I want to be with him.I have never been ready to die,and now I am.I have something to look forward to,up there,in the sky.I wont hurt myself,I wont make myself die,but if I came down with cancer or something,I would accept it.I wouldnt be scared.I have nothing to be scared about,I have everything to look forward to.And until I do go,I will be knocking on that huge door that leads to heaven,just so I can see my baby,and feel him again,and be with him...forever,like we were soppouse to be. ***And she told the most beautiful stories,because Once upon a time,was really here and now*** I slept til noon today,I dropped Ty off and I went back to bed.Its easy not to eat when you are sleeping,its easy not to think about it when you are sleeping.I poppped a couple pills to help me with it,and I watched myself do it,I stared at myself in the mirror,as I put them in my mouth,and thought, "what the hell have I become"But I knew the answer.I have become that person again.The person I was,the person that has been hiding in me.That person that I hated,the person that Kyle got rid of.And why do I do this to myself?Because I can,because I want to,because I am tired of bullshit.I am tired of trying to be the person I was but can not be anymore,to much work,to much crap to do to keep that person up.So I go back to being me,I go back to my thoughts and my loneliness.I go back to what I was because there is no reason not to anymore. **Im just a bird who has already flown away*** I havent visited him for a long time.I feel guilty about it,but then again,I visit him everyday in my thoughts.I think about him all the time,and I talk to him every night.And I tell him how sorry I am for everything.For turning into this person that he made disappear,that it wouldnt have happened if he was here.That I wouldnt be popping pills and I wouldnt be drinking so much and I wouldnt be so fucking stupid half the time.And how I would be happy and less confused if he was here.How I wish he was just here,and how I thought at first that I learned something from his death,but I really didnt because I dont want to realize shit.How I still cant go past his house,how I still cant touch the things he gave me,how I cant smell his things yet.How I cant accept that it has happpened,and how I cant wait to join him.And please dont be mad at me because of how fucked up I am,that I am only like this because I have nothing to look forward to anymore..I thought we would be together forever and that I couldve stopped you and told you that I was scared of all the pills you were popping,and how I didnt.I didnt want to because I didnt want you to think that I was trying to change you,that you had to change to be with me.That I loved you the way you were,that I loved you for being you and no one else.And how sorry I am that I couldnt save you,and how sorry I am that I cant help myself anymore like you taught me to.That everything you did teach me is gone,that it left when you left,and how badly I wish it would come back but it cant because you cant.And how fucking sorry I am that I am the way I am.And how sorry I am that I cant be with you right now,and hold you,and look into your eyes like I useto.But I will be with you honey,I will be with you in time.When Ty is all grown up,and moves on to his own family,I will be with you,and I will forever wait for that time,because that is all I want,and I hope that you will be there to greet me with your beautiful smile,your bright blue eyes,laughing,because I miss your laugh,with your arms ready to hold me..forever because we will be together again,and when we are...it will be forever. 12:51 p.m. - 2003-09-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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