|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the old me vs. me now ***Where are you going?,I asked To dance among the stars She laughed*********** I slept til 3:30,isnt that awful?I had a rough night though,so I guess its okay. So I have a plan for this week.Its not a good plan...not at all.It involves me going back to what I useto be.Not what I have become,not what I want to become,but back to what I useto be,because life was so much more simpler.I didnt worry about the stupid shit.Like what if the jeans dont fit?What if I gained a pound?So I thought about it for the last couple days,and I thought hard.Im going back to what I was before I had Kyle,Im going back to when I first met Kyle.Im going back to not caring.Im going back to that person who just didnt give a shit.Water..thats it.Thats what will be my food for the week,or maybe for at lease a couple days.It always comes back,it never leaves.You know just when you think you can go on being somewhat normal...it comes,it attacks your mind,it wants you to let it take over you.It shows you how weak you really are.Does it suck?Yeah,for the first day,but then it all comes back,and you know what you haveto do to make yourself sane.And you get useto it,and you watch yourself wither away somewhat,and your proud of yourself because in your mind,you are not really weak,you are strong because you can do it.You can go without.And thats all you think about because you have to stay strong and not be a failure.And I want to be that "strong"person.I dont want to think of anything else but not eating.My mind has been going nuts for the last couple weeks,and this is my way of getting my mind clear of things.Its not very healthy,but I have been through it for 12 years now..on and off.And I dont share that with very many people.Kyle knew about it though.He would get mad at me sometimes,and just look at me and tel me to eat.He would force me to eat.I would come home and he would cook supper even though I told him that I wasent hungry and I would haveto eat it because he cooked it for me and because he cared...he didnt want me doing that shit to myself.Maybe I am doing this again because I feel weak and I want to make sure I can be strong again.Maybe its because I have been bloated for like a week now and the period is not here yet and I feel like I am 300 pounds.Maybe its because I have weighed myself over 100 times in the last couple days and I am tired of seeing the same numbers...just blinking back at me.Everytime I go to the bathroom,I weigh myself,everytime I eat,I weigh myself,everytime I think about the scale,I weigh myself.I knew it was coming back,all the signs have been there.I just ignored them because I was weak,and now I am strong because I know now what I haveto do to make myself okay again.And I will be strong...I wont dare eat for at lease a couple days,just so those numbers can change,just so I can smile when they blink at me.Just so I dont think of anything else but those numbers.Just so I can feel like I am okay.
9:05 p.m. - 2003-09-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||