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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Remeberence and other things Its a beautiful night out tonight.A night like this I would be outside on his porch,or sitting in the back yard talking to him.Instead I am shut inside,not wanting to look up at all the stars,afraid that I might just have that feeling.That feeling of being with him,that feeling of love.I am not ready to deal with it yet,and I wish I could.Belive me,I am dying inside,dying from wanting to scream his name,and dying from not being able to scream his name.I sent cards to Mark,Shane and Josh.They got them today,at lease Mark and Shane did,Josh probaly did too,I just wont hear about it.It hurts kindof to know that he might be reding my e-mails,just not responding to them.Then again,he has got to do his own thing.Maybe he dosent want to be friends with me,maybe it hurts him to much,I dont know...I wish I did though.Shane actually called me at 9:30 this morning,I wasent home but the mmachine says so,that is a great thing.It means that he is TRYING to find that job.All he needs is someone to belive in him,and I do.He isnt a bad person.There is a difference between making a mistake and fucking up.A mistake is something you learn from,fucking up is something you keep learning from,and we all have fucked up.Shane knows this,I tell him all the time,its what he needs,it is what hasent been said that makes a difference,and I am not known to lie,and I say whatever I want to him and maybe it will work.I hope so.I cant wait til the job is over at the Faire.I am so worn out,so blah about everything.I am afraid to stay home for a while.I dont want to flip out,I dont want to cry.....I dont want to miss him.I am back to what I was before him.I sat at home tonight and started a book for him.My thoughts are forever going at it,I feel shut away,shut away because I feel this horrible sadness creeping and I want it to go away.I dont want to be sad,I dont want to have no friends again,no nothing.I want to be normal again.With him.I want to see his smile,hear his laugh,cuddle with him and feel him breathe,lay on the couch with him,with his crooked toes on me.I want him so bad in every way I can have him.And I dont want to belive that I will never do these things again.I dont want to continue KNOWING this,I just want it all to GO AWAY 11:30 p.m. - 2003-08-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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