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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maybe I DO need help Im here without you baby, But your still here with me in my dreams,and it will always be just you and me ************************************ I called into the faire today,I have been up since 3,I went to bed at midnight,I have gotten maybe a total of 6 hours of sleep the past couple days,and I just needed a day with no work.Can I afford it?Not at all.I am regreting that I called in,I can not afford it but I cant keep working like I have been.I am so exhausted,exhausted from working,exhausted from not sleeping,exhausted from thinking,exhausted from stress,I am just so tired but yet I can not sleep and I hate it.I hate my whole life right now,I hate the way I feel.I hate the fact that I have lost the one and only person who I ever felt a strong connection with in every way,I hate the fact that he wanted to give me the world,but only made it a more fucked up place for me now.I hate the fact that I fell in love only to have my heart torn out of me in such a way that I will forever be in pain.I hate the fact that I was so fucking close to him,that I shared so much with him,I hate the fact that I am left alone to struggle with this unbearable pain every day.But then again,I loved being in love with him,I loved the way he made me feel everyday.I loved the way he told me he wouldnt hurt me,the way he would give me that funny look whenever he found glitter around his house.Or the way he would come home from work and totally trash his house after I cleaned it,knowing that it would be clean the next day.Or how he would tell me that the clothes I bought,I could only wear as pajamas around him.How he would totally hint to me to run to the store or do this or that.And I always did it,always because I loved him so much,I wanted to give him the world plus more.He deserved everything and anythingWe were the perfect couple,we never stopped holding hands regardless who was around,we could make jokes about each other and not get mad.He taught me how to tell him my feelings,I taught him how to listen to me.I taught him how to talk to me,he taught me how to understand.He taught me how to buy food from aldis,I taught him how to eat a good meal.He taught me that not everyone is out to hurt me,I taught him the same.He taught me how to be more responsable,I taught him to be more carefree.We taught each other how to love,we taught each other that love is not about getting burned,it was about what we shared,that we trusted each other,that even though we were one,we were our own person,and we both wanted to give each other the world.GOD DAMN IT,things like this dont happen for a reason,they dont happen to people like us,they dont happen to people who have something so powerful between them that nothing can stop it.They dont happen to people who love each other and never doubted that love,but you know what,it fucking did,and it messed me up for the rest of my life.Noone will ever replace him,there will never be a single soul that will ever give me what he gave me.And it hurts.There is not one word that can explain how I feel.People say that life will go on for me that time heals all things,I dont belive that time will heal this.I belive that life goes on only because it hasto.I haveto do things with my life,my only reason is Tyler.I haveto make a life for me and him,but as for time...thats all I have and its going to take more then what I have to heal it.Everyone thinks I am so strong,and at times I am.I am there for all of his friends,I am their shoulder,Shane cried the other night and told me never to tell anyone that I saw him do that,and it was okay,it was okay that I am his shoulder because he has been mine when I cant hold back.It is oaky to be strong for the people who need it,because people are strong for me.I dont know how Kyle would feel about the Shane situation.I told him when he came back from Arizona after Shane did all that he did,I told Kyle just to be there for him,to be by his side and help him through all that he was going through.Of course Kyle didnt want to,he let his anger take over and I didnt blame him,but I have faith in Shane.I belive that Kyles death has affected him alot.And it takes alot for a big guy like Shane,a hard ass type person to open up to someone and to tell them that he wants help.I respect that,and I respect the fact that he can do that with me.It is so cool to know that Kyles friends feel so comfortable with me that they can let it all out with me,and why?Because they say I did alot for Kyle,that he changed when he met me,that he cleaned up his act very well,and that wasent like Kyle.And also because I am "Kyles girl"and I always will be. 5:52 a.m. - 2003-08-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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