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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That same guy I am breaking ************* I have been talking to Kyles friend Shane alot.Yes,the same Shane that fucked up Kyles Arizona trip,the same Shane that threatened me and Tyler,the same Shane that Kyle thought was a friend,the same Shane that Kyle knew his whole life.The same Shane who is a bad crack addict,and that is why he did what he did,and Kyle knew that.I am going to try to save him.He told me so much over the phone last night.He told me that I saved Kyle in a sense.And that he thinks I can help him.And I am.I am going to save this guy because I want to,because I wouldve even if Kyle never died.I dont think Im ready for any of this.I have not had the time or energy to try to heal myself,but I dont want to heal.And if I do,not by myself.I want to be able to heal with someone,and I think this is going to be good not only for Shane but for me as well.This is a guy who told me last night that he told Kyle to go to his doctor cuz his doctor would give him anything,this is the same guy that told me that Kyle got out of S.Milwaukee to get away from it.This is the same guy who said that I helped Kyle in alot of ways.This is a guy that Kyle hated in March for what he turned into,this is also a guy that Kyle couldnt belive what he turned into because of drugs.This is something I HAVETO do for Kyle,for me,for Shane,for Shanes son,his mom,this is something that I need to do for alot of people.I am scared to do this,but I know what I haveto do,and I am willing.I feel alright around Kyles friends,I can turn into a sad drunk or just a sad person,they all understand. you learn to live again you learn to love again ************************* I am not ready to go on with my life in anyway what so ever.I went to Jeffs house the other night,he asked me if I was fucking any one yet.It is not that fucking easy.I have been having so many close calls with my crying episodes that it is getting to the point where I need those fucking pills.I dont think about being with any one but Kyle.And my man is not here,and everytime I think that,I HATE MYSELF.I want someone to kick my ass so bad just so that this pain is replaced by some other pain.All I feel is pain.I hide it all so well,because that is what I do.And it gets so hard to do that when I am with all of his friends.I have no energy left for much,but I fake it.I work everyday,I sleep worth shit,I give myself no time for anything anymore,because I am afraid to.I am afraid that I will totally break and not be able to put together the peices,and I cant do that right now.I cant afford to do it.I miss him so much all the time,I try to ignore what has happened but i cant all the time.He is everywhere,he is always in my thoughts,he is always with me regardless.When someone asks me if I have a boyfriend I say yes,because I will always have my man,he died with me,he died with my heart,he diedbeing my man.I bought some pictures at the faire,they stood out to me so much that I had to have them.They are in black and white and they are of a cemetary with a girl in the foreground,I have them all up around his picture and it has become it habit of mine to light a candel that sits right by his picture.I need to understand why something so good,so beautiful left,and when I find that out,I think I will be a little better,but I dont think I will ever understand. 9:24 p.m. - 2003-08-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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