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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a month,a dream,alot of misses
Its been a month,its been a month,its been a month,its been a month,its been a month.Thats all that has been going through my head today.I woke up from a dream.A dream of him,and me.In the dream I saw a T.V on his floor and thought to myself"he hasto get that out of here,theres to much stuff"and I walked over to him,he was sitting on a bed,and I hugged him tight,and told him I loved him.In the dream,I knew he was leaving me.I woke up from it,and wrote it down in my "dream"journal.I dated it being June 21,before realizing,it was July 21,then I started crying,its been a month.I want to know what the dream meant.I need to know everything,I need to know things and I dont know anything.
I had a bad day at work.I cried all day.Amanda said maybe I should go home,I told her I need the few bucks I would make.Oh god,I cried,I walked to the bathroom,and cried,I cried in the bar,I cried in the bus station,I cried in the kitchen.I do so good for a while,and then I let it all out,and its hard to stop.Its hard to hold it in once it starts.I told Mo last night that I lost my past in my fire,and I have lost my future,now all I have is my present,when will I lose that?I cant belive that I woke up beliving my dream,beliving that there was a chance to save him.Beliving that I still had my god damn life.Why cant I have that second chance?Why if there is a god or whatever,why cant he give all of us just ONE?One...thats it,its not alot to ask for...as long as it is for something good.All I would ask for is his life back.My friend Shelia told me that if God only took old people,how would Heaven be?I told her I didnt care,that he was selfish for taking him since he was so smart.He didnt want to leave me,I know he didnt.He wanted kids and a family,he wanted to get married,he wanted to live,he wanted to grow old with me.He deserved these things,even if we didnt have that together,he deserved it,he was a great person,and whoever is"up there"took him for reasons that I will never know.And it is not fair.It is not fair that my whole life has been fucked up forever.Why do I haveto have this hard ass life?Why do I haveto struggle?My fire took it all from me once,Dickhead took my life away from me for years,just as I was getting it all back on track,just as I was realizing what a great future I was going to have,it got taken away from me.I experienced love...true love,the kind of love that leaves you smiling whenever you think about that person,the kind of love that grows each day,the kind of love that you will never forget,and that is going to be forever with me yet,it is gone.There is no more growing,there is only what was left when he left,which was true love.People keep telling me,"oh,you'll meet someone great and have a family"I DONT WANT THAT!!I want him,I want a family with him.People dont understand what we had,they dont understand that I CANT have that ever again.True love comes only once in my eyes,and I had that with him.And only him.
Friday I think I will take a drive after work,out to see where he wanted to raise our family.I have realized that right now,I am only focusing on what couldve been.I am working towards "what couldve been".I am getting my life in order,I am going to do well in school,get the hell out of this fucking place I should call home,and take care of my family.Take care of me,Tyler and the dogs.I am working towards these things just like I wouldve with him.Its all I have,and I wont continue to live like this.I cant continue to live upstairs from the folks,I cant grow up living here,they wont let me.I haveto make a good life for us,and I am going to do that.I am not sure how well it is going to turn out,and I know that it will be hard.I am thinking more and more about filing bankrupcy,something I really haveto think about.Thats one of the ways I can get my life straightened out.I want to get a house,maybe not own one,but at lease rent one where there is a yard for the dogs and cooking out.I miss cookouts.No one seems to want to do it anymore,its true that it is not the same.Kyle gave Shelia and Dan a bunch of can coolers,Dan calls them,Kyle coolers.I had some in my car for the longest time,he was always trying to get rid of them.I now have a whole bag of Kyle coolers.I miss camping.I miss cooking out,I miss cable,I miss his porch,I miss everything I had.Above it all I miss my man. 4:05 p.m. - 2003-07-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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