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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nothing left in me ****SAVE ME FROM THIS NOTHING I HAVE BECOME****** I went to Barnes and Noble today and read a whole book called Everything Happens For A Reason.There was only one book there like that,and kindof stood out to me.It helped me,but not really since it didnt bring him back.I have been trying so hard to keep busy,I know its not healthy to do that.I was thinking about bringing Ty camping,but why would I do that?What would I do while he was riding his bike or playing with new found friends?I dont have Kyle around me to make me laugh or smile,I dont have Kyle to talk to.I dont have Kyle.I WANT KYLE I WANT KYLE I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM.I laid in bed this morning for almost 2 hours smelling the comforter that he died on.Yeah,it still smells like my baby.To night,I am going to lie in bed in the slience,which I havent done since he died,and I am going to take in every sound hoping that I can hear him.I woke up the other morning feeling like I just got laid,it made me laugh,it would be just like him to visit me in my dreams and take care of me.I cried though,I cried cuz he isnt here.I cried because I dont understand it,and I will never understand it,but I want to.I never wanted to see the person I love like I did.I never wanted to be put in that postion.Mo tells me how much I have grown up,and I feel grown up.I haveto do something with my life,I cant think that I am going to have a husband to help out,cuz my baby is gone.I am going to go to school,again.But this time,I am going for EMT and I want to do it.I want to help people out.I hate to see people suffer and in pain but I truley belive that my own pain and suffering can help people out.I wanted to do that for so long anyways,just never thought i could handel any of it.What I have went through and am going through,will never compare to what I will haveto see.I buried my man,my lover,my honey,my sweetheart,my best friend,my soulmate...I think I can handel anything now.Its funny how knowing Kyle was checking my diary I didnt write about certain things..like buying a pg test a week before he died,or even a month before.Or how badley I wanted it to turn positive but how scared I wouldve been if it did.I talked about kids and stuff and my thoughts on it,but he never knew that I took a couple of tests.I dont understand why I didnt tell him when they came out negative.I just thought it was no big deal and if they wouldve came out positive,then it wouldve been different.Or how scared I was when my period didnt come,and all I was doing was drining,I was so scared that I was pregnant and that all my drinking fucked it all up.I told him after he left.I told him that day.I told him how we were soppouse to have kids and a family,and now what?What am I soppouse to do?Move on?I CANT.I DONT WANT TO.I WANT HIM AND ONLY HIM. 10:56 p.m. - 2003-07-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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