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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- drugs of the past,present,future I am lost for words these days,I have been thinking alot,but I have been keeping to myself.I dont think that there is a reason for me to act this way.I think its the fact that the zoloft is now actually getting out of my system.I havent taken it for some time now,but I am doing good without it....at lease I think I am.I dont know.Kyle says that I have been grumpy,I dont think I am,I dont mean to be.He says that it seems like everything he does bothers me.That isnt it.I think I am just tired.Tired of thinking.I cant stop thinking though...ever.I am disappointed in myself,I havent gotten very far on this school shit.Its so hard trying to figure out crap on your own.I am tired of thinking about all this court crap.Its not easy,and everyone thinks it is.Alot of things are getting harder for me.Im tired of peoples shit too.I was told by my manager that I NEEDED a vacation....duh.I am just stressed,I am not good at dealing with stress at all,and I never can talk to anyone and even if I do try,its always,I dont want to hear it kind of thing.Its hard not to be able to vent.What the fuck?I listen to everyone,why cant someone listen to me?Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. I think I am going to visit Mo today.She really needs to talk to me,and I would like to hang out with her.I wanted to go over there on Wedensday,but I went to the bar instead.I havent been drinking much lately, but I did that night.I took a huge shot of some nasty shit.Its funny how some people are happy drunks while others are sad drunks...then there are those "problem"drunks.I am always a happy drunk.I just think that since you are wasting your money on beer or whatever,why not enjoy what you just bought?Alot of people think that i am a total alcholic,if they only knew.I useto be awful.I would be one of those that didnt care if it was 9 at night or 9 in the morning.I didnt do it everyday,but I was sad back then.I would just sit at home and get fucked up every night.I had fun though by myself,I always do.I took a painkiller the other day,I hated it.Most of my life I have been a pill popper.I would pop anything...I was stupid.People would tell me to take stuff,and I would be like "oh okay"and just take it...not even caring what it was.I remember when I first took x I popped 3 of them....how stupid was that?I was taking a chance with my life,I thought about all that when I came down,but I still took it again and again.Its hard not to take anything,I can get valuims,zanax,x,speed,but I wont be around those people.Its been to long of a time.Just like coke.I havent did that shit for a long time.I dont want to turn into a junkie,and I am afraid that if I give myself the cahnce,I would.But I never give myself the chance.I dont want to.Kyle does stuff you know,and sometimes it makes me think,not about anything bad really,just the whole future deal.I mean,I think we both want a future together,but I think about what ifs.Like what if in the future when we deciced to have kids,what if if shoves shit up his nose the night it happened?What if he takes to many pills and dosent wake up?What if he hurts me cuz hes fucked up?Most of my what ifs wont even happen,but I still think about all of it.A couple more days til vacation and I am getting so like...yeeaaa!!I get to go somewhere!!I am sure that I will have fun,I know I will.Anyways,whatever,I am babbling,like usual,and its getting later and later and I havent got anything done like I was soppuse to.Until next time.....rock on. 5:45 p.m. - 2003-06-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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