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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tell me a place that I can go I have deciced not to keep my entire thoughts "locked"up,only those few selected ones,not sure why.I dont think I want people to read about what I go through or whatever.I dont think I want to deal with anything.I didnt get very much sleep last night....I only broke down once a work today,I thought someone was complaing about me,but they were actually saying how wonderful I was,but I started crying and after that,I had to say something.Its funny how someone says they love you...but deep down they dont know what love is.Love is not hurting,love is not being rude,love is not showing off,love is not acting like you dont give a fuck.I dont know,I think I just haveto concentrate on me now.I want a family, I want to settle down,I am not about all this bullshit.I am not about playing a game where you just keep hurting,It sucks.I will truthfully admits that this sucks,but jesus christ,how many times can I do this?How many times do I haveto leave because he hasto upset me.And its funny to him,and he is one of those where he knows if he laughs about it,it will make it worse,but he does it anyways.You know,I have done nothing but be great to this guy,I wouldve done anything for him.I dont go out and flirt with people,I dont hit on people,I dont think of anyone but him,I dont sit there and gawk at people,I leave him cards and notes,and I have given him all that my heart can...and for what?To get fucking hurt,to get my heart tore out of me,and it takes such a toll on me.I get no sleep,I dont eat,I dont want to sit at home,I dont want to go anywhere,I dont want to be around people.Its not fair.Its not fair that I give what I have for getting nothing but shit in return.I can only take it one day at a time,and I know this.I asked Ben at work tonight if Mo would be home,I ended up spending most of the night again with Mo.I told her that I just dont want to think about it,that I didnt want to be alone.I just wanted someone to keep me company right now.We were so stoned looking at some lamp she has,and I was just telling her that its a cool lamp and that I should get one to "brighten"up my life,since I will be alone all my life,she laughed,told me to stop.I told her that I really thought this was HIM.My feelings are so heavy for him,that I love him so much,and that it just sucks.Hes done this more then he probaly knows,and I dont understand it since he told me he loved me.And I belived him...I fucking belived him.Went to Milwaukee,all these people were total skinheads,holy shit,they were freaking me out all night,I ended up just walking away from everyone,ended up bumping into Matt Yost.Wow.Its been like 9 years since I saw him.I was surprised to actually see him.We talked for a couple minutes about what we have been up too,and then I ended up just walking away.I had fun going out though,its been a couple years since I went to those bars.So today is Easter,I get to spend it alone...gee...just like Valentines day,Im so glad I fell in love.Until whenever....rock on 2:16 a.m. - 2003-04-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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