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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FORGIVENESS? Forgiveness is the final form of love.-- Reinhold Niebuhr So i went to his house last night,and its funny how this dosent affect him and if it does...I cant tell.Its not like I am mad...just confused on why it dosent seem to bother him.I think I have alot of thinking to do in the next couple days.He wants to go to Flordia together.I am not sure if I have a problem with that.I think I am scared something will happen,like he gets mad at me or something.Maybe I will get over it.Maybe I want to go with him.I want things to be OKAY again.I want things to be like they useto be,and most of all,I want him back.I want him back to how he was,when he wouldnt hurt me.I dont know,maybe its just me,maybe its not.Maybe I am just confused right now.I think he knows that he has my heart.He will always have it,but I cant go through being hurt over and over again,I think I want him to totally know that.I want him to know that he is the love of my life,and although I would stand through anything with him,I cant take pain,and hurt so please dont hurt me again.I dont know what would be worse,going through life without him,or going through life with him if he kept hurting me like this.I think I am going to see past this.Yes,it fucking hurts.I can truthfully say that I can feel my heart hurt,I can feel pain in my heart everytime I think about it.But I think I am going to forgive him.I think I can forget about it.I think I can forget about it if I dont get hurt again by him...at lease anytime soon.Sometimes he gets real rude when he drinks,so I am kindof scared of that.I know everyone says shit when they drink,but not stuff like he says sometimes.I noticed that I am losing my pudge,I was scared when I stepped on the scale this morning,only cuz I really havent ate since Friday,and when I did eat,it all came up.I think everyone needs pudge,you look healthy with pudge.I remember when I didnt eat for 2 weeks cuz I was so fucked up,you could actually see my ribs,thats gross.Im just not sure if I can keep anything down still.I hate puking,I have done enough of that the last couple days.I have 2 days in a row off next week,one of those days will be spent downtown,going to gateway,planned parenthood,all that good stuff.I noticed this morning how many pills I take a day....12.I take the happy pill,the birth control pill,vitaman c,2x3 times a day,and vitaman e2xtwice a day.Ever since I started taking the vitamans,I feel better.Its weird how much better you can look and feel on those things.I slept til noon today.Didnt want to get up but then remebered that I had to meet Mo,not that I have it in me,but I think it will be nice to hang out with her.It felt good to hold Kyle last night.He actually held me for a bit to.It felt so good to have him in me too.It felt good just be with him. 1:32 p.m. - 2003-04-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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