Photobucket I have said to much

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i feel only what i want to feel

I noticed this morning that Kyles watch is broke.Great 300 bucks I spent on it.I got sent home from work today.Man,I cant do this shit,Kris even gave me a valuim,and it didnt work.I stared fucking bawling at my table.I have never done that before.The tears just rolled right down and they came out so hard and all my customers said was do you need a hug?They were 5 guys too,and here I am fucking bawling.Oh man,I cant go throgh this right now.Not by myself,and yet I haveto.I have NO fucking friends now.I found out that Amanda is such a fucking liar.She came into work just all whatever,talking about I agreed with him and said that I would do it too,and I was like...you are such a fucking bitch,he thinks that I did it,and here you are telling him that I kindof did.I told her when all that shit was going on that he was blaming me for it and that was causing alot of problems...so why the fuck did you agree with him?She knew I didnt fucking do it,and yet she still agreed?What kind of friend is that?Now I wish I wouldve done it..it wouldve of been easier to deal withnow.Man...everything is fucking changing.I really think I am going to have a really emotional breakdown.This is the guy I love so fucking much,and once again,its done.I dont think I can have Tyler tonight.I cant let him see me so bad,I cant let him know that I am just totally breaking down.How do you explain that to an 8 year old?How do you explain it to a boy who knew he had a good guy in his life as well?How do I hurt my child again?How do you explain to him that I am not sure how i'll be tomorrow?That I might be this way alot longer then the last time?That I am so fucking sorry for thinking he had something good?How the fuck can I do that again?I so wanted to get off those pills,and now I wont be able to.I was so happy...I didnt want them anymore,and now hey...back to fucking normal.Why do I always think that I found a good friend?No one likes Amanda,but I "saw through"her just like Connie,but yet when it all comes down to making your friend feel like shit...they both totally knew how to make me just like them...........miserable.Amanda told everyone at work today that he hit on her, I mean,she was telling everyone and being so ha ha about it.She was happy about it but yet I belive her too.Thats an assshole for you,saw through that too,,,,i guess.I didnt think he was an asshole neither.Why am I stupid?Why do I fall for shit like this everytime?I thought Amanda and Connie were my friends,and I think that Kyles great...but im fucking wrong.There is not a such thing as a real friend anymore.

3:11 p.m. - 2003-04-06

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