|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The wall fell Sometimes it hurts to love --------------------------- I told Kyle that I am use to him not listening to me,I think he was mad.Sorry,just how I feel.Maybe my feelings are wrong sometimes,but I am tired of holding them in.
Lets paint a smile on our face and play pretend. *************************** I dont think I have writers block anymore.I find myself writing things down at work all the time,I find myself thinking all the time,and I hate it cuz it makes me feel dumb sometimes.I get less talkative when this happens,which is okay I guess,but everyone knows that I talk alot so when I get like this everyone asks me what is wrong.That is one thing that I cant stand,I dont have many friends,and the ones I do have I would TELL them what is bothering me...they wouldnt haveto ask,so these people that ask,all they want is gossip...thats all,and my life is not going to turn out like that. Ive built my life around you ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kyle actually held me for a while last night,it felt good.I think I needed it.I usually hold him at night or whatever,and I dont understand why it comes and goes.Somebody at work told me that I should make him kiss my ass....whatever.Why would I want to do that?She said that I kiss his all the times,so it should be his turn.I dont think I do,and if I do,I dont know it.And anyways,maybe sometimes you haveto,I dont know.I guess I kiss his ass cause I want to give him what he deserves?Isnt that how it should be?Shouldnt you want to give the person you love everything you can?Does that make me an ass kisser?If he is happy with me kissing his ass then I guess I will just keep on doing it.Anyways,they dont know what they are talking about,then again,maybe I dont either. All the things you said are running through my head `````````````````````````````` I had a fucked up dream the other night,it scared the shit out of me,I had all these cuts by my eyes and shit,and I was in like a cellar or something.And I remember in my dream,I was scared shitless.Needless to say I woke up feeling scared.I am horrified by the thought of that kind of stuff happening to me.I never take those "extra steps" for protecting myself either,so I always think that someday something bad is going to happen to me,but never do anything about it.Makes sense dosent it?You think I wouldve learned from what happened before to me,but since it was such a long time ago,and it did happen,maybe it wont happen again.Anyways,I have lost some weight,I havent been eating lately,I just forget and by the time i do remember,its late.I know its not healthy,Ive been through it enough to know,but I am not doing it on purpose.I was telling Amanda how I useto be bulimic,and how it fucked me up for a while,and how I could never do it again.I wonder why I did that back then.Those were not happy years at all,why would I do that to myself?I was so stupid,but I am glad that I got over it,I couldnt see myself living like that ever again.I have been noticing how I am talking about things that I hid all these years.I dont think I feel ashamed by any of it anymore.Its the past,we all have skeltons in our closets,and if you never talk about it,they will always float in and out of your life,and then you haveto worry about someone finding out.And yes,somethings are better left unsaid if it is going to hurt someone.I actually made love to Kyle last night,I took it slow which is something I never do,but last night was different for me,maybe cuz of the way I have been thinking about things,or maybe cuz I just love him to death.Who knows.Until next time....rock on 3:35 p.m. - 2003-01-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||