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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wishing I could just RUN So the tears are still here.I dont know if I should get back on my medicine or not,I want to,but I have been off of it for a while now.I was pretty much high all day yesterday,yeah,not real responsabile of me,but it cures the hurt.So many things have gone through my head these past couple days and some of it makes sense while others dont.I started to think back to when all Kyle talked about was his ex,how he was even gonna help her out by fixing something in her house,which led me to think of what happened the other night,I wasent soppouse to get mad at him for wanting to help her out and be nice,but yet I was treated like shit cuz of him thinking I was hanging out with my ex.Is there a difference?My ex lives 3 hours away,his ex lives 3 minutes away,but yet I was told that I shouldnt worry,I dont see mine at all,he sees his everyday,and do I treat him like shit?I never said that I wish I was friends with mine,he worries about who his is fucking.It must be great for him to know that he can get away with alot of shit and still be loved by me the way he is,the laugh is on me,I am sure.What scares me the most,is the more I am hurt,its like the less love I have to give.Everytime he drinks something happens where he says something or does something that hurts me.I am not saying that I dont like to drink but I dont think that I say things to hurt him.On Christmas eve,he called up a friend while we were at a bar,and asked her who the ex is fucking.Why care?Maybe all this bullshit from the other night came from his own insecuities,I dont know.Maybe I am just asking to much out of our relationship,but am I?Its been 8 months now,I think I give him what he wants,I dont argue with him anymore,instead I just sit there and I am quiet,I hold my breath,and hope like hell he will stop trying to get me mad or stop doing whatever he is doing.He came over last night and at one point he gave me a look like he kindof knows that I am worried about stuff right now,but then again,he was stoned too,so who knows.I think he was kindof mad that I didnt ask him to come to dinner with Ty and I,I told him that I didnt have enough money for him,even though it was a joke,I just had running around to do and didnt know that we were going out to eat.Stopped over by Connie,John was there,he asked me what happened the other night,I told him,he said that he hasent heard about Rob in a while.I told him that I dont care about Rob,I care about what happened that night and why,he said that Kyle needs to grow up,I told him that everybody needs to grow up,your whole life is about growing up,and that he cant talk,he understood,he agreed with me.I need to get away from this fucking place,I checked out some prices on some Jersey tickets.I think I will be able to afford to go in a couple months.I need to figure out alot of crap,I need to get away from all this crap in order to do that.I was talking to one of our cooks at work yesterday about families,He is going through a hard time with his brother-in-law.I felt bad for him,but it kindof helped me as well.I told him how I grew up,and how I want better for my son,and even if I never have a husband and the whole white fence deal,my family is my son,and yes it does get lonely alot like that,it does make you think that you might always think that you didnt do a good enough job,but a family dosent mean a husband,a house, a fucking dog,and a little minivan in the driveway.I would rather do it all by myself,then to be in some so called family like I had.I wanted so many different things years ago then I do now,what I want now is so much better.I know more things now,and I am not about making everyone around me happy,I am about making myself happy,maybe thats a little to much but I am tired of always trying to make everyone happy,if I cant be happy then how can I make anyone else happy?Anyways,I think that I am just babbling this morning,I dont have much to say,just to many things on my mind that I want to get out.Until next time...Rock on 7:54 a.m. - 2003-01-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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