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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Song words inserted I feel invisiable to you Well,I dont know whats been really going on...not much of anything.My car dosent sound like its going to be cheap..what else?I am going to start working some more nights...as much as I can only cuz this whole money situation is getting to me.I just dont know what to do. You werent there Kyle and I are fine I guess.We havent fought in a while.I do feel as though he dosent have that "feeling" for me.I dont know why either.But lately I have been feeling just weird around him cuz it dosent feel like he has anything for me.Hes been kindof mean to me and I dont know how to take it...it makes me think.Not hitting mean....just rude mean.I told him that I didnt want to have sex one night....I really had an awful headache,and told him no,but he got it anyways.I guess I just didnt want to disappoint him by actually making him understand that I did not feel good.I dont know.He wants me to come to his work christmas party,but I dont think that I am going.The whole whore thing stilol bothers me and Kyle told me today that"as long as I dont start anything"...whatever. He wasent good enough for her I saw her the other day,she sat in her car and watched me,and laughed with her friend.I just sat in the car and stared back for a minute and drove away.And I should not be thinking those untrustworthy thoughts?Whatever. Trying to figure out this life Nope that would cause way to many problems with me being there,cuz I know Kyle would be sitting there watching her,even though he would try to act like he wasent and that would just be it.I catch him doing it quite often and it makes me feel like shit.And he would deny it but I know that it would be bullshit,so why waste the time going when I already know whats gonna happen? You just shut me out He got pretty dumb on Thanksgiving.He started talking about all these girls and how fine they were.Im not here----just make me go away.Damn...it was upsetting. And I wanna belive you---but I dont Im on the "pills"again.Yeah,its so not cool,I actually cried when I got them.I stooped down again.And I was doing great.But I couldnt NOT buy them.I had too.I have been feeling so yucky lately,and the zoloft is not working.It sucks but,I feel so great on them.I was at work almost all day the other day and I was so happy. Tommorrow it may change I wish I could afford to fix my car,that would make me feel better.I would start working every night.I haveto do something.I know that I am feeling quite insecure,I want to be alone more now.I want to work tons,and just wear myself out...so I have no energy to do anything else.It sounds weird but,I hate hating myself sometimes.I wish I could get the attention I need.Not that I even know what that is right now.Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. Im wishing my life away I just wished there was a way of knowing that he is telling me the truth,sure I can trust him,but look at how he is.I just dont know.I wish I had someone here.I wish I felt like I had a family.I hate the fact that I am a single parent who cant even fucking support her and her kid?Yeah...I am feeling pretty shitty these days. Shiny happy people Ty has his friend sleeping over tonight.I love being a mom,I just wish I could be a better one.He is always so happy whenever we spend time together.I hate Dan for taking me to court when even the judge knew it was all cuz of money.I hate him so much.He is being such a dick to me.I swear I am done being nice to him.He will never change.And 8 years of getting the shit beat out of me,and I am still nice....fuck it.No more...I hate him and I will let him know that.I now wish he would just give up the rights...now that I know for a fact that its about money.FUCK HIM.Tyler is a wonderful kid,he is awesome,why even try to be a dad when its not even about that? Im not the milk and cheerios in your spoon,Im not nobodys fool. Maybe I will go to that party.Just to see how he actually acts.Cuz then that will be the one thing that will make me feel like he really does love me.I just dont belive the shit about being over her.Something makes me feel like that and its nothing little so I know its got to be something. Thats what friends are for Kriss came down for a day,she slept by me.All she needed was some weed.I love her to death,but she wants to sleep to much.I love her with my whole heart.She is an awesome friend,and I wish I could hang out with her lots more.I better call Connie.Until next time...Rock on 6:50 p.m. - 2002-11-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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