Photobucket I have said to much

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I miss

Dans mom called me and ask me to do her a favor....not to let Dan have Tyler this weekend even though its his weekend.She says that there are some problems going on.Gee,I wonder what that means.What a bastard.She says that he will be mad at me regardless of what I tell him so now I haveto lie to him and tell him that Tyler is sick.I thought that he changed.I thought he was the little fucking happy family man.I thought that he wasent like that anymore since I am not around.I thought that he was happy.I had to tell Tyler that he wasent going with his dad this weekend,that his dad was having problems....again.I was crying when I told him.Roxanne says that she thought it would be better if Tyler wasent around that.She said that Tyler has seen enough.I agreed with her.All these times that I let him have Tyler for a week and shit,all these times I thought he changed.Who knows what the hell my kid already has seen when he is with him.Maybe that is why he dosent want to be with his dad.Why havent I listened to him?I thought he was only saying that shit cuz of how his relationship has always been with his dad.And now .......maybe this is why he dosent want to ever go with him.YOU ASSHOLE.Tyler keeps asking for Kyle..."mom when are we going to Kyles?""mom is Kyle home yet?""mom Kyle should sleep at our house sometime""mom,are we sleeping at Kyles house""well,do you want to Tyler"?"yeah,yeah,yeah""mom Kyles a nice guy""mom are you going to marry kyle""well Tyler would you like that"?"yeah,kyles nice"My kid so needs a family and what am I doing about that?Nothing.I want it so bad.I was looking through pictures of him today,I miss it.I miss having a home where I have someone there.I miss giving good night kisses,I miss giving good morning kisses.I miss having someone to hold at night.I miss coming home to a dirty house.I miss getting good night kisses,I miss getting good morning kisses.I miss having all these things.Although I never had it that good all the time.I miss it.I miss being able to hear I love you.I miss saying I love you to someone.I miss having someone there for Tyler.I miss the whole baby thing.I miss making dinner for someone.I miss cleaning the house for someone.I miss holding hands.I miss Kyle right now.I miss coming home to someone.I think that I love Kyle.I am not sure.I dont want to rush my feelings,but I dont think I am.I try not to think about him,but everything feels so right.Everything feels great.Everything about him gets me happy.I can even open up around him I think.I want to,but I am afraid.I started to notice how I look at him now.I watch him walk,I watch him sleep,I watch him think.I watch him so much,and I love it.I really love how he treats me.I love everything about him.He started calling me when he is at work.He asked me what was for dinner tonight.I love his smile.What is wrong with me?Why am I falling for someone?Why do I want him all the time?He is so great.We dont argue at all.Its been a month and 13 days and not one agruement,what is that all about?Is this a waste of time?I dont want it to be.I really think that I want a future with this guy.Is this the guy for me?Is this worth it?Is he gonna hurt me?Am I gonna hurt him somehow?Is he gonna leave cuz he is afraid?Am I gonna leave cuz I am afraid?How does he feel about me?All these questions.Tyler really likes him.I was joking around with Tyler about how Kyle bought him a new pillow,Tyler says"so what..hes a nice guy"I told him that I knew he was.Tyler wants me to be married so bad,he asked me about it again today.He says"mom when are you gonna get married"I was just like I dont know Tyler.It hurts me to know that he wants that for me.Last night he was watching a movie at Kyles and Kyle was on the computer,so I started to fall asleep,and Tyler was trying so hard to cover me up with a blanket.I told him not to worry about me.Tyler always worries about me.I love my kid.He is such a good kid.I am so drunk or high right now that its not even funny.Tyler rode his bike up to Culvers with my dad.He wanted me to come with but I told him that ever since he was little,Tuesday nights were his and Grandpas night,that I could even show him pictures of when he was little eating ice cream with grandpa on Tuesday nights.That grandpa misses that.I told Tyler that I would be home when he came back.He is afraid that I wont be home.That I am gonna do something without him.I am all that he has.I am all that he has ever had.Go,he really needs someone in his life that isnt an asshole.For some reason,I dont let him bug Kyle to much.I make him ask Kyle for the things that he wants when we are at Kyles house,but I will tell him that Kyle has had a hard day and that he should wait til Kyle is done doing whatever he is doing.And its weird cuz Tyler ACTUALLY listens to me!!I know he wants it just as bad as I do.He wants so badley to have a NORMAL family.But I do too.I dont know,I need to drink more.Until next time.....Rock on

5:32 p.m. - 2002-07-23

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