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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- going crazy Okay so heres the deal tonight.Kyle was messaging me through Yahoo,and he asked me how I think of him,and so I said well i think of you as my man.And he wrote me this message saying that just let fate take its time and shit,and that when he starts to feel something he runs.I am so fucking scared that he is going to hurt me.I dont need this,I cant do again.I am so fucking tired of how shit is with me.I am scared of like anything,I am afraid to speak my mind,I am afraid to tell my feelings.Its awful.Its awful to have this wonderful feeling about someone,and not know how they feel.I am so crushed right now.I mean,I totally understand how he feels.He dosent want to get hurt,and neither do I,so i understand,but I am also confused by all of it.Sometimes I feel as though he does care about me,but then sometimes I feel like he cares,but he dosent--do you get it?I want to know,if there is something there,if there is thats great--I wont rush shit---I cant,if theres not then I gotta know so I dont get hurt.My feelings are so strong for him,I dont remember ever feeling like this before.This guy is on my mind ALL the time.Even when I dont want him running through my head---theres no way I can get rid of it.I think about him ALL the time.I miss him when he is not around.I smile just thinking about him.He is such a great guy,and for me to have someone like that in my life is great.I can joke around with him,I cant fight with him,cuz there is nothing to fight about.Things with him are wonderful---god--I am so confused.I dont know how to react to what he said.I mean,should I just tell him that I too am scared of my feelings,that I dont want to get hurt?Or should I tell him that I wont let him run this time,that I am letting time take its course,that if this is "fate" he wont haveto be scared?I am taking things slow,I know I am.I mean,I dont even call him that much,I dont call him at all.I let him call me--that way I know he wants to see me.And this shit is so fucked up cuz I totally slept with him the first time I went out with him.What does that say about me?Then again,what does that say about him?OH MY GOD.I am making myself go nuts.I took like 4 epherdine today before work and I am just GO GO GO.I want to stop taking them so bad but I am so hooked on them,and I am not that bad anymore.I useto go through like 2-3 bottles a week.The bottle I have now--is like a month old.Damn...I wish I knew how Kyle felt.Maybe he dosent feel anything since he isnt running.Maybe he dosent want a "girlfriend",maybe he dosent want anything except sex--which he says he dosent think of me as a booty call--but he is also a guy--DUH.Anyways,until next time......ROCK ON 2:22 a.m. - 2002-07-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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