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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ranting and Raving so Kyle me,and Tyler went camping over the weekend.It was lots of fun.Kyles friend Shane came out to the campsite,I over heard a conversation between him and Kyle,and I know that I was drunk but hopefully it went the way I heard it.All I heard was Shane asking Kyle if we were gonna get married,and I heard Kyle say something about how we dont fight and shit.So in other words,Shane was asking him how serious we are.I hope like hell Kyle cares that much.He had called me last night and wanted to know if he should keep the door unlocked,even though he knows that I have Tyler,and it was the first time I said no,so now I am getting kindof worried but I know that I am only worried cuz I havent talked to him all day.Over the past few weeks I have been thinking alot about things I dont normally think about.Like the whole family thing.Why cant I have a fucking family?Like the whole husband,the baby thing,the fucking white fence,the damn dog thing?I have started thinking about bills and money and just everything,I have no idea why either.Is it cause of Kyle?Isnt it to soon to be thinking all this?Is it to soon to fall in love?Is that what this is?I mean,holy shit,you would think that I was having a nervous breakdown or something.It is so weird though.I want him all the time,I want him in every way possiable.And I cant stop thinking about him.All day I think about him,I cant sleep without him.When I am at his house,I can sleep all day long if he is by my side,I sleep so peacefully too.Last night I fell asleep with the light on and a book in my hand,it was about 2am,and then I woke up at 6:30,shut off the light and got up at 8,after Tyler forced me out of bed,so I didnt sleep to well last night.I mean,I even saved a message from him just to listen to his voice when I start to miss him.Can we say"STUPID BITCH"?I have fallen for him.I have fallen for someone once again.I am going to get hurt again,something I can not take anymore of.Sometimes it bothers me that I am so scared about falling in love again.It actually tears me apart to know that it hurts.I dont want to get hurt like that anymore,I cant deal with it.I am so fuckin high right now that I cant belive I am actually letting all these strangers know whats going on in my life and shit.Okay,I just flipped out but have a good reason why--that is what love does to you.It makes you into this cowardly bitch who cant speak up for anything anymore,someone who is scared of everything.Oh ok enough with all this shit.Another thing I can rant and rave about is how fat I am getting once again.Its like if I eat a meal a day,thats it--I fucking gain like 5 pounds,I have been cooking out with Kyle and John and Connie that I have been eating everyday,I dont want to gain any weight,its not like I am 90 pounds--I am 136--I useto be 100 even man,this sucks.Its awful,cuz I dont want to start the whole fucked up eating thing again,but I haveto do something.I was even thinking about purging the other day,and I was like "how stupid am I?"I dont do that shit anymore--Its been a great 2 years without that shit.Anyways,like I said ,my whole sense of thinking is all off,I can not think right anymore..I am applying for a job at the vets.I need to start getting a better job and shit.Its only 7 bucks an hour but I wont be quitting my job now so I will be making decent money between the 2.I am excited but worried cuz of school.I am afraid that I cant do all of it,but I am sure that I can...I did it before.I just need to start saving and stuff more.I want to do all these things,take all these trips,so I haveto get a bigger savings.I have done enough blabbing I think,so I will stop but will probably return.UNTIL NEXT TIME............... 6:46 p.m. - 2002-07-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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