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whats wrong?Whats right?

My "friend"says that he dosent want to scare me away,you can tell that every once in a while he falls into a pattern of trying to lie but maybe just cant.He told me today that he had to go with his brother and then he stopped himself and told me that he had to do"his thing",I understand what that thing is,I also understand that it has no part of me just yet,if it might at all.I think whatever I may be doing with my life right now,isnt for the good or for the better,I think change is good.Especially when a person is not used to something.He could take care of me if I allowed him.He would take care of me if I allowed him.Only problem is...I take care of myself.But do i really?Sure the bills are paid and bla,bla,but I am always feeling like shit.And I give to others and I help others but what about me?Maybe i am being selfish.Up until a short while ago,I felt stupid letting people buy me things,take me out...whatever,and do you know how good it does feel when you let someone take you out to dinner,and you dont even haveto pay?Today my "friend"gave the child a scorpion,even bought him a new cage,and of course he brought me something that he promised the other day he would get me,my bottle of UV.I have had false promises in the past,after a while it starts to get old.After a while,you just expect that.The "friend"has not let me down yet.Someone once told me that maybe loneliness and love are often confused...even worse when all you do is get fucked up. When was the last time I was really in love?When did I have that unconditional love with anyone?When have I ever felt like I was loved by anyone?So now that i have spent some time being sober,alone and with someone,I have realized that I do get confused over alot of feelings I was have. I dont know what to think of the "friend",like i said,he would and could take care of me,he would love me unconditionaly,and he is funny,reliable,
trustworthy(so far so good)and he talks.He talks about what ever is going through his head.And thats great.And he does it sober or drunk.I can be honest with "friend"I can tell him that this is what i want and this is what I need and so on,and you know what?He would still be right there.Trying to take care of me.Trying to do those things that I deserve.

8:10 p.m. - 2006-03-04

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