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so cool I shouldnt have

I shouldnt have said that I hated him.
I shouldnt have gotten so scared of him.I shouldve have at least TRIED.Instead of running away.
I shouldve TRIED.
I just shouldve.

++Hollow feelings
and empty eyes++

I sat in my bath tub tonight,scraping my bowl,hoping to find something worth all of this,and I did.Wasent to much but it felt good.I laid in my hot water,brought my arms up to watch the steam from them.Exmained my legs,looked in my mirror,and stared.Stared at the mess that was looking back at me,and realized something.Sunday when I did my running around,I never looked up.I went into Walgreens,and never once took my focus off the ground and when I did,I hardley even lifted my head.I am so embarassed of ME.I dont want to look at anyone,I dont want anyone to look at me.I feel like a worthless mess.I feel worthless period.

*The needle tears a hole*

I thought about razors tonight.I thought about how when i was younger,I would take a knife or a razor and carve things into myself,it was "cool"to carve a cross somewhere.It was "cool"to carve anything at all into your flesh.I noticed that I can still see Dans name,and how I faintly see some of the lines I carved.As I thought about this,I looked at my razor,brushed my finger up against the blade ever so lightly.Thought about why I ever did that crap.Why I ever even started it,and why it was so cool.Its not so"cool"now.Its not "cool"to tell someone about it,to say"look what i did last night...isnt it "cool"?Its not so "cool"to show up with bandages on your wrists,cause you 'slipped',its not very happy anymore,its not very happy to be "cool"anymore.Its not happy at all to want to do these things.

6:57 p.m. - 2004-11-09

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