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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- noticing the okay of it all I stayed up til 4 this morning,writing. Writing a letter to Josh.I told him excatley how I felt,about everything. I told him how I felt guilty at first,but then after a while,I thought that I shouldnt feel guilty about anything,I shouldnt feel guilty about having a smile on my face,I shouldnt feel guilty about liking that smile.I wrote him a 3 page letter and before I went to go lay in bed for the 2 hours I had,I read it,and I was okay with sending it to him.I also stared at a picture I have of Kyle,and I remembered how he felt,I examined his face in this picture,and I remembered every detail of it.I did alot of thinking last night,even after I went to lay down,all I did was think.I thought about life, how it useto be,how I made it to be,and what it is now.Thats when I got up out of bed and went into my back room and turned on my "party"lights,turned on my radio,and laid down on the couch I never use.I havent laid on that couch since it left Kyles house,and thats when I noticed how my house kindof felt like home.I noticed how I liked laying there in the dim light listening to my music,how I liked just being home,and not out at the bar.And thats when I noticed how I haveto start "living" again,and start enjoying my life and start fixing the things that I dont like,just start living.And after I thought about all this,I turned everything off for a second time,laid in bed again,knowing that the alarm would go off in an hour,and fell asleep.And when I woke up this morning,I felt okay about everything I thought about and my outlook on it all.I felt okay about "living"again. 4:56 p.m. - 2004-01-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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