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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little bit of serenity I have realized that I CAN NOT and WILL NOT drink anymore.I was so happy yesterday,I got the job at the faire,and even though it is only for a short time....it is money.I was so happy,and then I turned into this awful sad drunk.I cried,oh god,how I cried.I ended up waiting outside of Mos house for Ben,knowing that Mo was sleeping,I knew Ben got home around midnight.He pulled up,I said,"I am having a really bad night,im such a sad drunk"he told me that I was staying over.I needed that.I needed to be surronded by people who understand,who I am not afraid to cry in front of.I needed to be with people who are so emotionally,mentally and spiritually healing.I felt awful barging in on thier lives like that,but I needed to be with people like them.I needed to feel whatever it is I feel with them. HOLD ME WHEN IM HERE *********************** I went to visit Kyle today.I almost wasent able to.They told me at work today that I had to stay til 4,I told them that there was no way,I buried my man on a Thursday,therefor,I visit him on Thursday.I bought white roses for him this week,put a colorful amount of pixiedust on him,decorated his "trashed"picked vase with glitter glue and stickers,and laid next to him and closed my eyes.I opened them after I had that certain feeling of relaxation,only to see what he sees,and its beautiful.Trees,and a peek here and there of sky.Breathtaking.He loves it.I laid there talking to him about normal day things,work,money,people.Then I talked to him about him.I told him that I cant do this anymore,that I miss him way to much and that I cant drink anymore cuz I turn into a sad drunk,I told him how I hate being sad,and why did he do this to me if he hated seeing me sad?I kissed him before I left and told him that I love him. LOVE ME WHEN IM GONE ********************** I went to his moms house,where we sat and talked,then we went to visit him.We are getting a headstone soon,we looked around at all the others,we saw one,it was so amazing,it was a couple,she was gone,he wasent yet,and it was huge,there was a lazer etched picture of each of them on "their"side,a picture of the 2 of them in the middle,vases built into the stone on each side of them,then on the back,it had a tree,with all of their kids names on it,and on the bottom of that it said something like,"live long,stay strong,and move on.I loved it.I loved it so much.We are getting him one with his picture and Xenas etched on there,with a flower,maybe a rose or a tulip..it will be beautiful.It wil be beautiful because it is for him,and he is beautiful.I smell cigars again tonight,I should yell at him and tell him that I want to smell his cologn instead,but I will never complain,it might be in my head,it might not be.This is the third time now when I have been on the computer that I have smelled a scent of it here and there.He sat on his computer and smoked cigars sometimes,now all I can think is that he is standing here next to me,making sure I am not talking to Texas Tom,or New York Neil,he is with me,he still keeps me going,yet it is still not good enough for me. 12:58 a.m. - 2003-07-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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