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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- follow the yellow brick road I have been feeling so "misplaced"these past couple days and I dont get it.I dont know if its because of work,my house,or what,but I wish I could figure it out.Its been weird,I just dont feeling like being around people ...ever get that feeling?I dont think all of this hasto do with me not taking the zoloft anymore,cuz I really dont want to get back on them.I think when I went to my doctors to get them,he orgainally presribed me 100mg of prozac,kindof makes me think that I really did have a depression problem back then.Kyle always tells me that I dont need them,and maybe I dont,but I also dont like feeling this way for no reason.I have been getting real upset at work cuz its a crappy ass place,and today I felt like crying.This just isnt me,and its fucked up.I think I am depressed for no reason...whatever.I went out for a couple drinks the other night.I got 4 beers bought for me,and its kindof funny cuz I was sitting in my dirty ass work clothes,smelling like food,and I totally think that half these people at bars just want someone to talk to and bitch to.None of them hit on me or anything,they were all cool.It was kindof fun just chilling out and talking to people I dont know,but yet I know their whole life stories by the time I leave.Its kindof funny how people will just totally open up to a complete stranger.I dont really talk about my life like that. At the end of the day, I have myself to blame ************************ My back has been killing me lately,almost to the point where it hurts to sit the same way for a while.I think when I get some extra money I will go get a massage somewhere,I think it might help...I never habve had my muscles massaged,so I am sure they need something!!I haveto go to the X-in laws on Sunday,I think I am going to try to have them give me a loan,I would rather pay them then my dad,that way I can start looking for a place to live by March.I CAN NOT live here any longer,they drive me nuts.I went out to dinner with them tonight and my mom totally tried to start shit with my dad and then she tried to take over MY child.Telling me that he is going to get just mac-n-cheese,after I TOLD him what he was going to eat.I was trying to be nice and spend some time with them,but I cant do it anymore.I am such a bad fucking person to them,and I am getting sick of hearing about shit.I am so sick of hearing about how i haveto do this and that,and listen to them cuz I am 12 again.They were not very good parents growing up,and I know that I have thought that for a long time but now I actually belive it.They never talked to me when I was younger,instead they would send me to some counsler.The first time the cops came to the house for me,my folks said hardley anything to me,instead I had an appointment with some guy the next day.I remember how they were so "proud"of me for going to ala-teen meetings.I still dont think they realize that ala-teen is for kids with drunks as parents...Duh.I had fun at those meetings to.We all got so stoned before,it was funny as hell.My parents never even cared that I snuck out all the time,they knew too,they just didnt say anything to me about it,they told the stupid counsler about it.They were shitty parents.They still are...isnt that horriable to say?I dont think I would even care if I didnt see them for years.Shit,I still get bitched at for having Ty at 17.Fucking assholes,they didnt even care when he was born.Fuck that.God,why do they haveto be like that?Why cant I have good folks? Never was insecure til I met you,now Im just stupid. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I am going to haveto go to PP on monday,I hate how they only give you like 3 packs of pills.The period is all fucked up again,at lease its not here yet..I got an e-mail the other day from Rob...ha ha.All I will say is...whatever dude.He still thinks that we can work things out,its been a year..I think.Anyways,he wants have a beer together when he comes down next weekend..I hope he dosent show up at work,that would be fucked up.I dont understand why he keeps trying.ITS OVER!Is that so hard to understand?I have not even sent him any mail for like 6 months..I havent talked to him for a long time,why does he not understand?Mmm,what wonderful things the internet can do..ha ha. I like you the way you are ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Kyle and I have been good.He has not been feeling well,poor guy:(I wanted to do something really cool for him for Valentines Day,but I wont have the cash,which really sucks.I might do it for something else,but I was looking forward doing it on the "perfect"day.O well,not much I can do about the situation,so why talk about it?I better sign off...I am so tired,by the time I actually sleep..it will be time to get up so until next time.....Rock on!!!!!! 1:20 a.m. - 2003-01-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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