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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Missing Kyle I went over to Kyles for a little bit tonight.I think that he wanted me to sleep there,but I didnt.Its not like I didnt want to,but I just keep remembering what he said the other night,his excat words were"Just take your time and let things happen as fate warrants it out to be.Im scared of anything that starts to feel like something,thats when I run"So what does that mean?I think it means that if it starts to feel like a rlationship,he will run,but I am not sure.I get scared as well.But I like how Kyle and I are and wouldnt want to change it for the world.He told me that he would miss me tonight,I said the same.I was gonna come home and take the contacts out,call Kriss,but havent did any of that yet,and dont think that I will since I am ready for bed.I miss Kyle though and really dont want to be alone tonight.I love being able to hog his bed,have my legs across him,I love using his arm as my pillow,I love it when just as I am drifting off,he kisses my forehead softly.I love the way he smells,God,I am really missing him.I cant be doing all this man,we have been seeing each other for a month now--I dont think he knows that,the 13th wouldve been a month,after a month though I am missing him?I dont understand it at all.Anyways,I have been writing more these days,not like I useto,all those sad ole me poems,I have been writing about being stronger and healing.In other words....closing the doors of what once was.It feels good though.Alot of it hasto do with Dan and the shit he put me through.I never thought that I would feel like a "vicitm",but I did and now I feel like I survived alot of bullshit.I think of how many times his hands would wrap aroud my throat,like that one night in September when he threw me in the tub,ripped the shower curtain down and just had his hold around my neck,I got up though,I fucking kicked out the window and all.I screamed as loud as I could,and made him leave the bathroom---I MADE HIM LEAVE---that was the best thing that he did.He actually left and went outside,he of course still got me after that.God,you know,I think about these things and its like Why?Why didnt I leave that first time?Why didnt I leave when Tyler was only 28 hours old and he pushed me down at the hospital and made me bleed for 4 months?Why didnt I leave when He threw that knife at my head?WHY WHY WHY?The questions will go unanswered,but I did leave,and I am so much better now.I do whatever I want,I say what I want.Its great.I think part of the whole healing thing is actually thinking deep about all the memories,all the scars,all the bruises.It hurts but feels good.I gotta go to bed and stop doing all this thinking so late at night.I could go on for hours.I am going to crawl into my empty bed,read my book and think about what Kyle is dreaming about.Until next time............ROCK ON 1:32 a.m. - 2002-07-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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